Mental Health Archives - The Anxious Ladybug

7 Easiest Law of Attraction Techniques to Create the Life you Love

What if creating the life that you desire is easier than you think? Most Law of Attraction techniques are simply changes in how you think and speak, which can cause a huge ripple effect in your external world.

As a mental health therapist and believer in the Law of Attraction, I LOVE to share some of these easily applied techniques with others. This post is ALL ABOUT Law of Attraction Techniques.

What is the Law of Attraction?

The law of attraction is the belief that whatever you put your energy or attention toward is what you will receive back. For example, if you put your attention toward the belief that the worst always happens, then the worst will continue to happen. On the contrary, if you put your energy towards the belief that luck is always in your favor, then luck will continue to be in your favor.

Scientifically, the law of attraction is centered around the idea that people, on a quantum level, can affect energies around them through observation, conscious thought, or words (see double slit experiment).

Psychologically, human minds tend to scan for evidence of what they already believe to be true. So, shifting the belief system can shift the perceived reality.

Whichever way you choose to understand the Law of Attraction, these seven techniques are simply to apply to your life to start seeing immediate change.

Give your Desire Attention

The simplest of the Law of Attraction techniques is giving your desire attention. First step is asking yourself, “What do I want?”

Do you want abundance? Do you want good health? Do you want connection?

Whenever you discover what you want, give attention to these things in a POSITIVE way. Avoid looking at it from a perspective of lack. For example, the phrase, “I wish I had better health,” is focusing on the distress of the current poor health, as opposed to, “I am creating healthy lifestyle habits,” which focuses positive energy toward the same desire. Instead of focusing on the pain in your knee, focus on the ease in your ankles.

See the difference?

Positive Affirmation WITH Positive Vibes

You’ve probably heard of positive affirmations, but have you heard that saying positive affirmations that you don’t believe to be true don’t really work that well? That’s because when you are telling yourself something that has a negative energy tied to it, it’s actually just drawing negativity to that statement, instead of attracting it.

There are ways to change these statements to feel more true to you. For example, instead of “I have an abundance of money,” you might say, “I am in the process of creating an abundance of money.” Instead of, “I love my body just the way that it is,” you might say, “I have decided that I’m going to love my body just the way it is.”

These slight changes bring a more positive vibration to the statements, which then brings an attraction of those things into your life.

Create a Desire Statement

According to the book Law of Attraction, creating a desire statement helps to focus your energy on your desire. This statement can be repeated daily or multiple times a day.

Author Michael J. Losier formulated the Desire Statement like this:

Opening Sentence

I am in the process of attracting all that I need to do, know, or have, to attract my ideal desire.

Body

Use any of the following starters and fill the blank with your desire.

I love knowing that my ideal _____.
I love how it feels when ______.
I’ve decided ______.
More and more ______.
It excites me______.
I love the idea of ______.
I’m excited at the thought of _______.
I love seeing myself _______.

Closing Sentence

The Law of Attraction is unfolding and orchestrating all that needs to happen to bring me my desire.

Gratitude Practice

One of the most important Law of Attraction techniques is gratitude or celebrating the evidence. Gratitude practice is more than just saying thanks. Rather, it’s being intentional to look for proof that your desire already exists.

It’s easy to focus on proof that the negative exists, because that’s the way that brains are wired. It takes intentional effort to focus on the proof that the positive exists.

For example, if your desire is good health, then notice all the parts of your body that are functioning well. “My heart continued to beat strong today,” or “I just walked up the stairs and my breath feels strong.”

If your desire is abundance, you might notice the discount code you used or the tax advice someone gave you for free.

There are all kinds of ways to notice that your desire exists, you just have to look for it!

Visualization

Visualize the life you want. Seems easy right? Spending intentional time visualizing your desire, noticing how it feels to imagine you have your desire, and amplifying those sensations can help create a positive vibrational energy that will then bring that energy back into your life.

I prefer to meditate for at least 10 minutes a day, focusing on this desired reality, but you can also visualize through the use of vision boards, writing exercises, or other creative methods.

Acting “As If”

One of my favorite Law of Attraction techniques to practice is acting “as if.” Act as if your desired outcome is already true. This doesn’t mean to act as if you are a billionaire by spending tons of money, rather it means to embody the energy that comes from believing the desire to be true.

When you imagine that everything is working in your favor, what energy comes into your body? Now, use that energy to engage with the world around you.

For example, when I believe that I don’t have time, I might engage with the world in a hurry or not prioritize things I would like to do, because I believe I don’t have time for them anyways. If I believe that I have plenty of time, then I calm down, creating more positive energy, and I tend to find time for the things I want to do.

Detachment

Detachment, while an easy concept, is one of the more difficult Law of Attraction techniques for people to adopt. Detachment means letting go of outcome. It means to let go of the control or the “how” your desire becomes reality.

This is an exercise of faith. It’s putting trust in the Universe or God or whatever external energies you believe in.

For example, when you desire abundance, you may believe that you know the best way to achieve that. You might find yourself going down the same path over and over, pushing through continued resistance, which will cause frustration and create negative vibrations.

Instead, simply put the energy toward abundance and see what opportunities present themselves to you. Lean into what feels easy or natural, continuing those positive vibrations. When you let go, you’ll be surprised how much quicker your desires come true.

Trying a few of these simple techniques can bring huge change to your present reality. I hope this post helped you better understand Law of Attraction Techniques.

Other posts you may like:

Silva Mind Control Method
Holistic Pain Management Techniques

Categories: Anxiety, Mental Health

The 5 Most Common Types of Therapy for Trauma Recovery

Starting therapy is a HUGE step toward trauma recovery, but finding a therapist that fits your needs is overwhelming! What are all of these acronyms? How do you know which types of therapy for trauma are right for you?

As a trauma therapist, I have learned the ins and outs of the different treatment modalities. I know that therapy needs to be individualized to meet the needs of different people, so learning these different methods has been life-changing. This post is ALL ABOUT the most common types of therapy for trauma recovery.

EMDR

One of the most common types of therapy for trauma that is becoming even more popular is EMDR. EMDR stands for Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing. Quite the mouthful! TLDR; you move your eyes back and forth while reprocessing past traumas so that they no longer impact your present day.

EMDR was created around the theory that bilateral stimulation puts your brain into a certain state that helps you access parts of your brain that store memory. When you experience trauma, memories become “stuck,” because it is too much for your brain to process at the moment. These memories are then activated by certain triggers that cause you to feel anxious, experience flashbacks, or cause you to act out of character.

When you move through the process of EMDR, these memories are processed in a way that “unsticks” them, so that they no longer cause a physical reaction when you reflect on them.

This is right for you if you are ready to do a deep dive into your trauma and want relatively quick results. EMDR can feel intense at the moment and cause temporary fatigue, but it has been shown to be highly effective in symptom reduction.

MBSR

Yes, therapists LOVE acronyms! Mindfulness-based stress reduction is a structured therapeutic process that focuses on helping you become more present and learn coping strategies for managing your symptoms.

Because trauma takes you out of the present and into a memory, MBSR focuses on helping you notice the present, recognize sensations in your body without judgment, and use coping skills, like breathing, to regulate your nervous system.

MBSR sessions are typically longer in length than your standard therapeutic hour, last about 8 weeks, and are often paired with some sort of retreat or intensive. This program is right for you if you want an immersive experience that will leave you with practiced skills for living mindfully.

Somatic Therapy

There are quite a few types of therapy for trauma that are centered on somatic healing. Somatic refers to the body, so this type of therapy appreciates the mind-body connection and how to heal both.

During somatic therapy, you will become aware of sensations in your body. You will recognize how your body responds to certain memories or thoughts and explore what the body is trying to tell you. With this knowledge, you will work to regulate your system through different techniques (like breathwork), process through movement and physical expression, and adjust how your body naturally responds to external stimuli.

This type of therapy is right for you if you want to take a holistic approach to trauma recovery.

TF-CBT

Trauma-focused Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is one of the most common types of therapy for trauma in adolescents and children. This structured approach to therapy encompasses education on trauma, coping skills to regulate your nervous system, creating a narrative about your trauma with the guidance of a therapist, cognitive restructuring (identifying and challenging thinking errors), gradual exposure to triggers, and creating resources for continued support.

TF-CBT often has psychotherapeutic components and homework to practice outside of the session. This type of therapy is right for you if you prefer a more structured and guided approach.

DBT

Last acronym of the blog! Dialectical Behavior Therapy is similar to CBT because it focuses on managing emotions and behaviors through the use of coping skills and challenging your thinking patterns. DBT also heavily focuses on relationships and how to improve the quality of your connections.

DBT is often used with individuals with complex trauma. Complex trauma can alter the way you perceive reality, can impact how safe you feel in relationships, and can reduce your ability to regulate your emotions.

A DBT therapist will help you learn mindfulness techniques to be more present, distress tolerance to better manage daily living, emotional regulation skills, and interpersonal effectiveness techniques.

DBT is right for you if you are wanting skills and techniques to improve your quality of life.

These five different therapeutic modalities are effective as stand-alone treatments, but can best be used in combination to individualize your therapeutic experience. I hope this helped you better understand the types of therapy for trauma recovery.

Posts you may like:

CBT for Anxiety
What is Trauma-Informed Yoga?

Categories: Anxiety, Mental Health

Insomnia and Anxiety: 10 Tips to Finally Get Some Rest

There is nothing worse than feeling exhausted, laying down to go to bed, and having your mind race or your eyes wide open. Insomnia and anxiety often go hand-in-hand, Fortunately, there are things you can do to help!

As a mental health therapist, I’ve seen how creating certain patterns and making small adjustments can relieve people’s restless nights. This post is ALL ABOUT insomnia and anxiety.

Keep an Anxiety Journal

One of the biggest reasons you might struggle with insomnia and anxiety is that as soon as you lay down to rest, all of the anxious thoughts that you’ve been avoiding during the day come flooding back.

Your mind is wanting to process this information, whether or not you consciously want to. What could be helpful is, an hour or so before bed, sit down for a few minutes and journal all of the anxious thoughts that naturally come into your mind. This will allow these thoughts to be out of your head and onto paper before you lay down to sleep.

Click here for some journal prompts for anxiety!

Acknowledge and Release Thoughts

It’s important in anxiety recovery to explore and learn to work with your anxious thoughts. However, it doesn’t have to be right before bed! If your anxious thoughts come up at night, practice this mindfulness exercise to release them.

Start by acknowledging the thought that comes up. Then imagine placing the thought on a leaf and placing it in a stream, watching it float down the river. Repeat this until all of your thoughts are floating away.

You can also practice putting these thoughts in balloons and watching them float up into the sky.

Create Rhythmic Movement

In addition to your mind racing when you’re anxious, it also dysregulates your central nervous system. One way to regulate your nervous system and tell your body that it’s time to calm down is to move rhythmically.

Rhythmic movement could be anything from slow yoga (click here for yoga for anxiety), to a calm walk, to swaying back and forth, and even just rocking in a rocking chair. Try adding this for 5 to 10 minutes as part of your nighttime routine.

Be Aware of Light

Your body has a natural circadian rhythm, with certain cues that indicate when it’s waking time and when it’s sleeping time. Insomnia and anxiety can disrupt this rhythm, but one way to get it back on track is to be intentional with when you are getting sunlight.

Getting sunlight first thing in the morning (within the first hour of waking) tells your body when to start your internal clock. Similarly, shutting down lights about two hours before bed is just as important (click here for the full article).

Try sitting outside in the morning, going for a morning walk, or at least sitting by a window. If you live in a place that is dark in the early mornings, then try buying a UV light to simulate sunlight.

Pro-Tip: Light from phones, computers, and television have been shown to impact your brain’s ability to shut down for the night. Try and avoid these for an hour or two before bedtime.

Get Some Exercise

Regular exercise has been shown to reduce anxiety and depression symptoms, as well as improve nighttime sleep. Getting exercise can be tough when you are already physically exhausted. Try setting some realistic goals!

Exercise doesn’t have to be intense or rigorous. In fact, only moderate aerobic exercise has been linked to improved sleep. Try taking a daily walk, doing vinyasa yoga, or even an online dance routine, like this one, to help get in 20 minutes or so of exercise a day.

Progressive Relaxation

Progressive relaxation is great for insomnia and anxiety because it helps to release tension that you may be holding onto, as well as helps you focus on relaxing your body.

Progressive relaxation follows a series of muscle activation and release until you’ve covered most of your muscles from head to toe. Click here to receive a free Step-by-Step guide on progressive relaxation.

Create a Safety Mantra

Anxiety’s main purpose is to keep you safe when your body and brain believe that you are unsafe. However, lying in bed, it is likely that you are not in immediate danger. To calm your mind, prepare a mantra that you can say to yourself to remind yourself that you are safe.

This could be as simple as, “You are safe,” or it can speak specifically to your anxieties, “You are doing the best you can. It’s okay that you make mistakes sometimes.”

Imagine a Daydream

Have you ever gotten lost in a daydream? Daydreaming can be a fun way to express your creativity. While too much daydreaming CAN be an avoidance technique, it can be helpful when you’re needing to distract yourself from anxious thinking.

Remember, it’s important to have a separate outlet to explore and resolve your anxiety, or it may not go away completely.

To create a daydream, start by creating characters in your head and creating a story for them. These can be characters from movie scenes, people you know, or new characters. If you struggle with creating storylines, you can always play a familiar movie in your head. This can be a great habit to practice until you drift to sleep!

Shift your Nutrition

Nutrition is not necessarily the cure for insomnia and anxiety, but it can create a huge difference! Some foods directly impact your ability to sleep and remain calm.

Caffeine and sugar are two of the biggest culprits when it comes to poor sleep and anxiousness. Both of these can give you excess energy, simulating anxiety, as well as making it hard to fall asleep. Try and limit your caffeine and sugars to earlier in the day, as well as reduce your overall intake.

On the contrary, some foods can help! Getting plenty of omega-3s, tryptophan-containing foods, and micronutrients have shown to be helpful. Some examples of these foods are nuts and berries, fish, turkey, eggs, leafy greens, dark chocolate, and turmeric.

Create a Nighttime Routine

Routines are great for all kinds of mental health reasons. Specifically, when it comes to sleep, try to give yourself a routine for the last hour or so before bed. Your body will eventually begin to pick up on these cues and tell your brain to start shutting down.

Some examples of nighttime routines include journaling, taking a shower, reading in bed, listening to calming music, stretching, and/or massaging your hands or face.

These are some of the most helpful tips for insomnia and sleep that I’ve seen work with clients. What has helped improve your sleep? Comment below!

Other posts you may like:

13 Emotional Self-Care Ideas to Nourish Your Mind
5 Most Important CBT for Anxiety Techniques

Categories: Mental Health

4 Attachment Styles Explained: How Childhood Experiences Could Harm Adult Relationships

When asked, many people tell me that they have never had attachment styles explained to them in a way that connects. Discovering your attachment style, where it comes from, and how to work with it, can be a powerful step in improving yourself and your relationships.

As a mental health therapist focusing on attachment theory, I love helping people explore their past and how it connects to the present. This post is ALL ABOUT understanding attachment styles.

Attachment Styles Explained

Attachment styles are used as a way to describe how people engage in relationships. Generally, attachment styles are formed from childhood experiences, and will typically stay the same throughout someone’s life. However, attachment styles exist on a spectrum, and people can shift their styles based on experience or intentional efforts.

The concept of attachment styles is pulled from Bowlby’s Attachment Theory, which posits that people are biologically wired to connect with others and that individuals form their relational patterns early in life, usually through their bond with a caregiver.

These early experiences create the expectations that people have for relationships, therefore creating their relational patterns. These patterns and beliefs tend to carry on into adult relationships, whether or not they make sense for their new relationships.

Secure Attachment Style

A secure attachment style means that you have a healthy level of relational anxiety and appropriate responsiveness. Healthy anxiety means that if you feel that a friend or partner is upset with you, you become attuned to them and work through the problem. It also means that you have a general trust that others are not going to hurt you, or that you can manage difficulty in relationships.

Being in a relationship is prone to conflict because two people with different worldviews are attempting to connect. People with a secure attachment style can accept and navigate these conflicts with relative ease.

Theoretically, people with a secure attachment style were able to feel secure in their connection with their primary caregiver. This means that the baby or toddler felt safe to express distress and the caregiver was responsive to that distress.

Many factors impact the ability of a baby or toddler to feel secure (because babies are not logical beings), so it is not necessarily a reflection of bad parenting if someone is not securely attached. Brain functioning, death in the family, having a parent struggling with anxiety, and societal factors are just some examples of things that could impact someone’s ability to feel securely connected in childhood.

Only 66% of people have a secure attachment style, according to recent research, so where do the other 44% fall?

Anxious Attachment Style

Also referred to as “anxious-preoccupied” or “anxious-ambivalent,” an anxious attachment style is referring to someone who has a fear that the relationship will end or that the person will leave them. If you have an anxious attachment style, you likely have experience with unstable relationships, the loss of a caregiver, or a deep belief that you are not good enough to keep relationships.

Some behaviors that may result from having an anxious attachment style are:

People-pleasing
Attention-seeking (I prefer to say connection-seeking)
Picking fights to keep people from leaving
Chasing
Scanning for problems in relationships
Wishing you were ill or exaggerating illness
Possessiveness or intense jealousy

These are just some examples. It’s important to view these behaviors as not good or bad, but rather serving a purpose, even if it’s in an unhealthy way. With anxious attachment, the purpose of the behaviors is to feel connected and secure.

As a herd species, humans are biologically wired to find safety in connection. So these behaviors can temporarily help you feel connected and soothed, but in the long-term can be harmful to relationships.

Ultimately, you will want to do some work on improving self-worth, getting connections healthily, practicing healthy conflict and boundary setting, and learning self-soothing techniques.

Avoidant Attachment Style

On the other end of the spectrum, the avoidant attachment style (aka dismissive or anxious-avoidant) stems from the belief that people will hurt or take advantage of you, that you are powerless to prevent or tolerate pain, or that people won’t help you. If you have an avoidant attachment, you likely experienced caregivers being unresponsive or unavailable or you were hurt in relationships. Again, this isn’t necessarily placing blame on caregivers or assuming bad intentions, just to recognize how you experienced connection as a child.

Some behaviors that may result from avoidant attachment are:

Critiquing others
Stonewalling
Being extremely private
Disliking vulnerability
Avoiding emotional talk
Focusing on Independence
Addictive behaviors

The purpose of these behaviors is to keep you disconnected from others. While this can definitely reduce pain in relationships, it can also increase feelings of loneliness and cause conflict in relationships with others who are wanting a deeper connection.

To help with this, you’ll want to increase your ability to tolerate normal distress or pain, as this will be a natural part of relationships, and recognize that the gain from having healthy relationships will typically outweigh the costs. Additionally, you’ll want to practice being vulnerable and open in small ways to prove to yourself that people won’t always hurt you, and can, in fact, help you.

Anxious-Avoidant Attachment Style

Also known as disorganized or fearful-avoidant, the anxious-avoidant attachment style describes someone who has both the fear that people will leave and the fear that people will hurt them. This can be a very painful attachment style because you never quite feel settled in relationships. If you have this attachment style, you’ve likely experienced mixed messages in caretaker relationships. Perhaps you’ve experienced both pain and love, a parent leaving and returning, or two caretakers who have very different styles of how they show love.

Some behaviors that may result from an anxious-avoidant attachment style:

All the behaviors mentioned in the Anxious and Avoidant sections
Push-Pull behaviors
Inability to be soothed by others
Saying/Doing something hurtful, then apologizing and requesting soothing
Sending mixed messages

If you have this attachment style, it is best to first explore self-soothing strategies to help with fear and anxiety, improve self-worth and self-efficacy, and build distress tolerance. Once you have skills developed, then begin practicing making healthy requests and healthy boundaries in relationships.

Ultimately, moving toward a secure attachment takes time and intention, because you are fighting what your brain is wired to do, AND it’s totally possible to feel better in relationships. If it’s helpful, reach out to a therapist trained in attachment theory (click here to look for a therapist).

What thoughts do you have about attachment styles explained? Leave your questions below!

Other posts you may like:

3 Steps to Heal From a Toxic Family
“Am I Toxic”- 17 Harmful Tools that Help You Survive

Categories: Mental Health

Embracing the Darkness: Insights on the Shadow Self (Jung)

Life exists in balance—a balance of good and bad, light and dark. Within you, there are parts of you that may feel hidden or shameful but embracing them can bring you internal peace. This is the shadow self.

As a mental health therapist, I love helping people explore and embrace even the darkest parts of themselves. This post is ALL ABOUT Embracing the Shadow Self (Jung).

What is the Shadow Self (Jung)?

Psychologist Carl Jung, the founder of Analytical Psychology, developed the concept of the Shadow as one of the many archetypes, or parts of oneself, that every person has within them.

Jung’s Shadow is said to hold the parts of you that are separate from your conscious self. These are the parts of you that you may feel shame toward. Perhaps these parts are societally unacceptable. Maybe they were parts that were not allowed to exist in childhood. Subconsciously, you have banned these parts from showing themselves.

Unfortunately, when we cast parts aside, they don’t stop existing within our bodies and minds. Your shadow self may start to show up in emotions, intrusive thoughts, dreams, or even Freudian slips.

The only way to find inner peace around the shadow self is to understand and embrace it.

Exploring the Shadow Self

Discovering your shadow self is a process, and there are several ways to begin exploring these parts of you.

Explore Intense Emotions

Whenever you are experiencing intense emotions that don’t match the circumstances, your body is telling you that there is something else underneath. Try and explore situations where you felt dysregulated, and try and notice what emotions were underneath.

Every emotion serves a purpose (click here to better understand different emotions). Once you identify the emotion, explore your self-beliefs that are tied to that emotion.

Some examples of self-beliefs are:

I’m a bad person. I’m a jealous person. I want validation. I want this person all to myself. I’m not good enough. I think people hate me. I’m powerless. I want to hurt this person.

There are a lot of reasons these beliefs get created. Instead of ignoring them or trying to change them, try exploring them further.

Think about People you Dislike

Sometimes you dislike someone because of a very obvious reason like they’ve hurt you in the past or your values are very misaligned. But have you ever found yourself disliking or being annoyed with someone for less obvious reasons?

Whenever you have strong feelings of annoyance, dislike, or disgust for another person’s behaviors, especially when their behaviors don’t directly impact you, it’s possible that your shadow self is being projected onto this person.

Think about the themes or behaviors that you tend to dislike. Some examples are self-boasting, attention-seeking, people showing signs of weakness or being vulnerable, people being foolish or embarrassing themselves, or even people being successful.

The things you dislike are likely qualities that you subconsciously possess. For example, the desire for approval or validation, the desire to hurt people when in pain, the desire to be goofy, feeling self-conscious, feeling powerless, or even having uncomfortable emotions that you don’t want to feel.

Your body does this because it is feeling shame about seeing these parts exist so openly in other people. Because your brain doesn’t want to admit that it can relate to it, it creates a strong defense to keep the Shadow Self hidden.

Journal about Yourself

No person is all good or all bad. Therapy journaling is a great way to get to know yourself better. (Click here for therapy journaling prompts)

One idea to get started is to write a list of “Things I like about Myself,” and next to it, write a list of “Things I don’t like about myself.”

Try and be as honest with yourself as possible. If you start to feel uncomfortable writing things down, then you are probably getting closer to fully understanding your Shadow.

Some examples could look like this: I sometimes get jealous. I have thoughts of hurting people. I wish everyone liked me. I want to be the center of attention. I might do bad things for more money. I don’t always feel like I matter.

Find a Therapist

Exploring the shadow self can be tough on your own, so don’t be afraid to ask for help! A therapist, especially one familiar with Analytical Psychology or Internal Family Systems, can help you safely navigate the different parts. (Click here to search for a therapist near you)

Embracing the Shadow Self

After getting to know the shadow self a little better, the next step would be learning how to embrace it. It may seem counterintuitive to embrace behaviors or thoughts that are socially unacceptable, like, “It feels good to hurt people” or “I want everyone to validate me.” So, let’s be clear, embracing is not the same as letting the shadow take over your decision-making (although it can in some situations).

Embracing the shadow self means understanding and accepting that these parts exist and responding healthily when they show themselves.

View Behaviors without Judgment

If you can look at the behaviors or thoughts of the Shadow Self without judgment, it helps to normalize the desires.

For example, the desire to hurt other people. Hurting others can serve the purpose of helping you feel powerful, helping you feel protected, or helping you feel in control. If you have a part of you that desires this, try to understand why. If you had experiences where you’ve been repeatedly hurt or lost control, this part might have developed as a way to protect you. Being able to view this behavior as a response to past hurt doesn’t make it acceptable to act upon, but it can help you have more empathy for yourself when you have the desire.

This same exploration works for any behavior or desire! Ask yourself: “What is the purpose of this part/behavior/desire?” and “What is another way I could get that need met?”

Meet the Needs of the Shadow

If your shadow parts exist as ways to protect you or get normal needs met (like validation from others). Acknowledge that and find ways to get your needs met.

For example, if your shadow self wants attention, find healthy ways to get attention from others. If your shadow self wants to feel protected, find ways to feel safer.

Acknowledge the Shadow

The more you acknowledge your shadow self, the more you can recognize and work with it. For example, “I’m feeling jealous, and that makes sense, and I will choose to be happy for this person as well,” or “I’m getting defensive and not listening to the other person, and that makes sense., I probably need to pause the conversation.”

It’s normal and okay to have parts of you that you don’t like as much, AND pretending they don’t exist only gives them power over you.

Shadow work can be deep and intricate the more you explore. If you feel overwhelmed by the process, seek out some help or guidance! I hope this post helped you better understand and embrace your shadow self.

13 Emotional Self-Care Ideas to Nourish your Mind

When you think about self-care, you probably imagine exercise, nutritious eating, or even a nice spa day! Those things are great for physical self-care, and it’s also good to start using emotional self-care ideas to nourish your mind!

As a mental health therapist, I am constantly swapping ideas with people on what techniques work best for emotional health. This post is ALL ABOUT emotional self-care ideas.

Meditate

Meditation is more than just clearing your mind of thought. Meditation is a practice of connecting to your inner world. If you notice that most of your day is spent being busy, distracting yourself from thoughts, or caught up in the rat race, you probably haven’t had time to check in with yourself.

Meditation, even for just 5 minutes a day, can help you check in with your thoughts, your body, and your emotions. You may find some powerful information when you look within!

Click here for a video on How to Meditate.

Spend Time Outdoors

One of my favorite emotional self-care ideas is spending time outside. Not only do you get fresh air and connect with nature, but you will also get a healthy dose of sunlight. It is believed that sunlight can increase your serotonin (your happy chemicals), allowing you calmer and better sleep!

Try going outside at least once a day. Take a quick walk at lunch or stop by the park on the way home from somewhere to add outside time to your routine.

Be Playful

Play is a great tool to access your inner child and allow yourself to release the stressors of adulthood. Play can look like engaging in a sport, going to the beach and playing in the sand, climbing a tree, blowing bubbles, or even joining an Improv group!

Think about things you enjoyed doing as a child. How can you incorporate some of that into your daily living?

Practice Mindfulness

Mindfulness is the art of being in the present moment. Many emotions exist in different time periods, for example being anxious about the future or feeling grief from the past. These emotions are healthy to exist, and it’s important to check in with yourself to see what emotions are happening in your body in the present.

To do this, pause and engage in your five senses. Notice what you hear, smell, taste, see, and feel on your skin. Then check inward. Notice what feelings are existing in your body. Identify which emotions exist from the past or the future and practice releasing those emotions to focus on the here and now.

Connect with Others

Connection to others is proven to improve our physical and emotional health. Even if you’re an introvert, who gets your energy from alone time, try and make time to connect to others on an emotional level.

This doesn’t have to look like crying and getting deep with someone unless you want it to! It could just be making lunch plans, going on a walk with someone, or just talking on the phone.

Get a Hug

Getting hugs should be a DAILY thing! Societally, people have tended to reduce physical contact, but increasing hugs from loved ones is beneficial to your health in more ways than one.

Hugs can boost your oxytocin, reducing depression, increasing calm, and helping you to feel safe. If you have trauma around touch, try practicing with people you trust or feel safe with.

Let yourself Cry

Similar to hugs, crying for a good period of time also releases oxytocin, helping to ease pain and increase calm. It’s not to say you should engage in crying spells every day, but releasing these sorts of emotions helps to process loss and other emotions.

If you are not someone who cries easily, try watching an emotional movie or journaling about unprocessed sad experiences to help your body release these trapped emotions.

Therapy Journaling

One of my most used emotional self-care ideas is journaling. There are so many ways to journal for mental health (click here for some ideas). Journaling can help with understanding yourself, processing emotions, and organizing your thoughts.

An easy way to start is to just set a timer for 5 minutes and free-write whatever comes to your mind until the timer goes off.

Do Something Powerful

Feeling powerful can be a great mental health boost, especially when trying to manage anger or anxiety in healthy ways. Look for things that make you feel proud of yourself and increase those experiences.

Some examples are facing a fear (like giving a presentation), physical power (martial arts or exercise), or changing relational patterns (like setting boundaries). There are plenty of ways to feel powerful that are healthy.

Expressive Arts

Expressive arts are a great way to nourish your mind and mental health. Expressive arts can be anything from painting to coloring books to dancing. Using expressive arts to express what’s in your mind, or your emotions, in a different way can be refreshing.

Remember, it’s about the process, not the product. Try to not focus on the outcomes or results, just focus on free expression.

Move Through Emotions

Emotions are very physical, meaning, if you pay attention, you will notice the sensations every emotion creates in your body.

Whenever you’re feeling strong emotions, try moving your body in a way that feels good, such as dancing, Trauma Releasing Exercises, or even jumping!

Take a Screen Break

Phones, TVs, and computers can be good forms of entertainment, but too much can become addictive and become distracting to the present moment.

If you struggle to be present, try putting your phone on silent when it’s on you, taking off notifications, or even leaving it in the other room when you are home. This will allow you to be more present and more aware of emotions as they are happening.

Words of Affirmation

This may seem like a basic thing, but you’d be surprised how few people practice giving themselves words of affirmation.

Think of what statements would help you feel good about yourself and say them every day. To make these statements even more powerful, try saying them in the first person. For example, “I am doing a good job.”

These are some of my favorite emotional self-care ideas to nourish your mind. Did I miss any? Leave a comment below!

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Categories: Mental Health

Where Does the Inner Critic Come From? And 3 Steps to Help

“You should have tried harder! You can’t do anything right!” Sound familiar? Having a harsh inner critic is painful and frustrating, and you probably just want it to go away, but where does the inner critic come from?

As a mental health therapist, exploring parts is a major part of recovery. I LOVE helping people understand and work with their inner critic to help them have a better peace of mind. This post is ALL ABOUT answering the question, “Where does the inner critic come from?”

The Different Parts of You

Let’s start by understanding parts. Most people have multiple parts of themselves. No, not like multiple personalities, BUT it can certainly feel that way.

Since the early days of psychology, mental health professionals have noticed that people are driven by conflicting internal interests. Freud had the Id, Ego, and Superego. Jung talked about the multiples archetypes. Most recently, Richard Schwartz developed Internal Family Systems, exploring the multiple parts and their purpose.

It is believed that all parts have a purpose in the body and were created for a reason. The more you understand the different parts of you, the more likely you are to manage them in a healthy way.

The Inner Critic

So, where does the inner critic come in? The inner critic, like all parts, was developed with a purpose and has a reason for being there.

Whenever I ask people in session what the purpose of their inner critic is, they normally respond with something like, “To make my life miserable!” The inner critic can say things that makes you feel like it’s bullying, being mean, or out to get you.

However, after some exploration, people are usually able to recognize that the inner critic is an overprotective part. The inner critic is protecting you from criticism and rejection from others, by making sure it criticizes you first. It’s using negative motivation to get you to aim more toward perfection and prevent you from messing up.

Step 1- Get to Know your Inner Critic

Recognizing the purpose of the inner critic doesn’t mean you need to allow it to continue functioning in the same way. Before you can ask your inner critic to change, you need to understand it a little better.

Start by trying to feel where the inner critic lives in your body. This is an abstract concept, but parts are usually tied to sensations in the body. Try closing your eyes and sensing what the inner critic feels like. Once you do that imagine it were a physical being. What does it look like? What color is it? What texture is it? How big is it?

Once you have an idea, you are able to ask you inner critic questions. Most people ask, “What do you want?” Some other questions you may want to ask are:

“Why do you feel the need to protect me?”
“Where did you come from?”
“What do you need to feel safe?”

Oftentimes, people are able to recognize memories or themes from their lives that contributed to their inner critic becoming so strong, like a critical parent or an abusive partner. It may be helpful to do deeper work around any trauma (click here to find a therapist to help), but in the meantime, begin understanding that this part, at some point, likely protected you.

Step 2- Work WITH your Inner Critic

With any part, it’s important to work with them, instead of against them. This means that instead of having frustration and hatred toward the inner critic, treat it like someone you care for. If the inner critic came into your life when you were a child, then respond to it like you would a scared or hurt child. Similarly, if it came into your life later, treat it like a friend who has your best interest at heart, but is just doing it wrong.

Think about how you respond whenever you hear your inner critic’s voice. Do you immediately challenge it with statements like, “Shut up! I’m doing fine,” or do you agree with it and let that guide your emotions?

Instead, have a conversation with your critic. Speak to its needs before offering a challenge. For example, “I know you’re trying to keep me safe, but I can handle rejection that comes. I’m actually proud of how well I’m doing!”

It may feel cheesy, but the more you work to soothe the inner critic, the more room you have to believe the positive self-statements.

Step 3- Create Corrective Experiences

The inner critic was developed from perceived or real rejection or messages that you weren’t good enough. If your world was developed around these negative experiences, then the only way to change your perspective long-term is to create opposite experiences.

It’s likely that you are already having experiences that paint you in a positive light, you just aren’t acknowledging them, because your inner critic is only looking for proof that you’re doing poorly. At the end of every day, begin asking yourself, “What did I do well today?” This will help you consciously be aware of the positive things you do, as well as create the habit of doing more positive things.

If you want to create more corrective experiences, then think about times where you have felt proud of yourself and try to create more experiences that are similar.

These are three steps to begin working with and embracing your inner critic. I hope this was helpful in answering the question, “Where does the inner critic come from?”

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Categories: Mental Health

“Am I Toxic?”-17 Harmful Tools you Use to Survive

If you’ve ever been in repeated conflict or unhealthy patterns, you might have asked yourself, “Am I toxic?” Toxic behaviors are developed as a survival technique and aren’t always on purpose. So how do you stop?

As a mental health therapist, I am always helping people both identify their toxic patterns and have empathy for themselves in the process. Having toxic patterns doesn’t always make you a bad person, and it IS possible to live in a healthier way. This post is ALL ABOUT answering the question, “Am I toxic?”

Understanding Survival Skills

As children, people begin to develop coping mechanisms, or survival skills, to exist in their current reality. Unfortunately for many, their childhood reality is unhealthy or unsafe. Children are typically powerless to escape a painful reality, so they subconsciously create survival skills to manage. These survival skills often stay with people until adulthood, even though they are probably no longer necessary. Understanding your subconscious survival skills can help you recognize where they came from, how they might be harmful to others, and how to get your needs met in a healthier way.

These survival skills don’t always develop from childhood but can develop later on due to adult experiences that make you feel unsafe, such as an abusive relationship or bad work environment.

Below, I will go over some of the most common unhealthy survival skills and strategies to change them.

Stonewalling

Stonewalling is the act of emotionally withdrawing or shutting down from a person you are in relationship with, typically during a conflict or an argument. To the other person, it may appear as if you are punishing them by refusing to maintain an emotional connection. However, you are likely just feeling overstimulated or overwhelmed.

Stonewalling is a survival skill that helps you shut down when you are emotionally overloaded, allowing you to check out from what is happening and essentially protect you from these unwanted emotions or thoughts. This may help temporarily, but in the long run, it can damage both you and the person you are in relationship with.

It’s important to process emotions and repair damage in relationships. Practice taking breaks when you are feeling overstimulated, and calm down with a walk or with deep breathing. When you feel regulated, return to the conversation to process feelings. It can also be helpful to journal about your feelings during the break.

Gaslighting

Gaslighting is one of the main things people are accused of before they start wondering, “Am I Toxic?” Gaslighting is a term that was originally used to describe a behavior in abusive relationships, where the abuser would make the victim feel crazy by twisting reality around and invalidating the victim’s experiences.

If you’ve been accused of gaslighting, and you’re not doing it on purpose, it’s likely that the person accusing you is feeling invalidated. When you accidentally gaslight, it means that you are refusing to acknowledge another person’s reality, likely due to internal shame and defensiveness around what you believe to be true. (I.E. “I believe I am not bad, so I can’t have hurt someone.”)

For example, if you accidentally hurt your friend’s feelings, and they confront you about it, gaslighting would be denying that what you did should cause them to feel anything, tell them that what they’re feeling is an overreaction or all in their head, or denying that you did the thing that they are confronting you about.

Instead, try taking a step back and being curious about what the person is saying. Reality is subjective, and even if you didn’t mean to hurt someone’s feelings, you still may have. You don’t have to take accountability for something you didn’t do, but you can take accountability for causing pain, even unintentionally.

Frequent Requests for Reassurance/Validation

If you have found yourself frequently asking for reassurance or validation, even when there is no proof that anything is wrong in the relationship, you are likely struggling with anxious attachment. Anxious attachment means that, deep down, you are worried that you are not good enough to keep relationships, or that people will leave you. This usually stems from childhood but can also be developed in adulthood after relational trauma.

When you constantly ask for reassurance or validation, you can unintentionally send the message to the other person that what they are doing isn’t good enough to make you feel secure. This may have the unfortunate consequence of driving the person away, which is the exact thing that the behavior is trying to avoid.

Instead, try and work on checking for proof that the relationship is going well or that you are worthy. Being able to identify this proof will help you soothe yourself and reduce the need for reassurance.

Anger Outbursts

Anger is an emotion that serves the purpose of protecting you. Protecting you from people, from other emotions, from traumatic memories. Whenever you feel angry, your likely not feeling all of the other feelings, like sadness or hurt, that are hiding underneath. Click here for a meditation on calming anger.

If you are having anger outbursts, and it causes you to act out of character, it means that there are other things being triggered that your body is trying to protect you from. It would be good to explore, when you are calm, what those things could be. Are there legitimate problems in your relationship that need to be addressed? Is there past trauma that is being triggered? Whatever the issue is, the anger likely won’t go away until you reflect and repair what is underneath.

Click here for the Best Strategies to Reduce Anger.

Drinking/Drugging

Drinking and drugging, when they are not used for recreation, are typically used as avoidance techniques to reduce unpleasant feelings, memories, or thoughts. When drinking and drugging becomes an addiction is when you are experiencing negative consequences from the behavior but continue to do it anyways. Click here for a video on Treating Addiction through Attachment Theory.

If you notice that you are using drinking and drugging as an avoidance technique, there are two things to start practicing. First, you will want to explore what it is you are avoiding. You can do this through meditation, journaling, or talking through it with others. Second, you will want to build up you distress tolerance, meaning, start learning skills to manage and experience discomfort, rather than avoid it.

Chasing

When you engage in chasing behaviors, it means that you lean in harder when people pull away. This is a normal response to a perceived threat in a relationship, to attempt to re-engage when someone appears to disconnect from you.

However, you’ll probably start asking yourself, “Am I Toxic?” when you are doing this in an extremely anxious state and not feeling a resolve. Chasing starts to become unhealthy when you begin to feel panicked at natural breaks in relationships and don’t allow the other person, or yourself, space to regulate.

This typically comes from having an anxious attachment style, meaning that at the core, you believe that people will leave and not return. This anxiety could stem from childhood experiences, or it could stem from problems in the current relationship. Either way, it is good to explore that anxiety. In the meantime, practice self-soothing when there are breaks or some distance in relationships, allowing space before re-engaging with the person.

People Pleasing

People pleasing can be hard to detect on the outside, because other people will probably give you positive feedback. When you people please, you are changing your own desires or decisions based on what you believe other people want. Temporarily, this can help you get connected to people and reduce conflict in relationships. Long-term, this is not sustainable, because you will begin to feel internal conflict or resentments in relationships.

People pleasing also comes from an anxious attachment, where deep down you are worried that people will not like you or leave you. In order to keep connection with people, you let go of your own values and boundaries to maintain the relationship.

In order to recover from people pleasing, you will need to create experiences where you set boundaries, speak your truth, or just be yourself, and see what happens. You will either prove to yourself that people will stay anyway, or you will learn that some people might leave, and you can survive that happening.

Narcissism

Having narcissistic traits is not the same as being someone who is diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder, but some behaviors may look similar. Though the term “narcissist” gets thrown around quite a bit, definitionally, what it means is someone who is focused mainly on admiring themselves. Externally, this may look like someone who is self-boasting, expecting praise from others, and may even see and treat others as inferior.

Internally, it can be hard to recognize that you have these traits, because part of the problem is the inability to see from other people’s perspective. Some indicators that you may notice are frequently feeling frustrated when you are not getting the praise you feel you deserve, feeling like other people are less than or not intelligent, or receiving negative feedback from others that causes you to get defensive.

This trait is a strong defensive mechanism that results from internal shame. Narcissistic beliefs and behavior prevent you from recognizing your flaws and therefore avoid the shame associated with these flaws. Most people with these tendencies didn’t receive praise in childhood, or only received praise based on achievements.

The first step in changing out of narcissistic patterns is to recognize that reality is subjective and other people may be experiencing things differently from you. Begin practicing viewing reality from other people’s viewpoints. Ultimately, the goal would be to accept and acknowledge your flaws, so that you can reduce shame around them.

Attention-Seeking

I prefer the term, “connection-seeking,” because really, that’s what is at the root of this behavior. When you are engaging in behaviors that would be considered attention seeking, you are likely trying to receive connection, validation, and to feel good about yourself. All of these desires are normal and natural but become a problem when they are requested in a way that is unhealthy.

Yes, it is normal to want connection and validation from others. However, there should be a healthy balance of self-validation as well. If you find yourself engaging in attention-seeking behaviors, it likely means that you have difficult with feeling secure in yourself or believing that you can get connection in a healthy way.

To work on this, start by focusing on building your self-worth. Practice journaling for mental health or start your day writing down a list of things you like about yourself. Additionally, practice acknowledging when you receive connection in a healthy way, like spending quality time with friends.

Manipulation

Manipulation is a behavior that happens when you intentionally or unintentionally mislead someone to behave in a way that benefits you. It IS possible to do this subconsciously, so you may need to explore if this is something you engage in.

Oftentimes, manipulation is caused by anxiety, and the things you manipulate people to do are a way to soothe or avoid that anxiety.

For example, if you are anxious about going somewhere alone, and you use techniques such as guilt-tripping or coercion to get someone to come with you, it would be considered manipulation.

Other times, manipulation is a way to make you feel in control. This typically is caused by a history of feeling powerless or out of control, and being able to get someone to do what you want, helps you feel more powerful.

Ways to shift out of this behavior are to find replacement strategies that are less harmful to others. (Even if the manipulation doesn’t cause direct harm to the person, it can still harm the relationship or the person’s sense of self). An example of replacement strategies for anxiety is these CBT techniques (click here). Replacement strategies for feeling powerless would be to increase areas of power in a healthy way, like learning to make requests from people or setting boundaries.

Dishonesty

“Am I toxic if it’s not hurting anyone?” This is a question I hear a lot when it comes to dishonesty or chronic lying. Sometimes, unhealthy behavior feels justified if it seems like it’s being done for the right reasons, such as avoiding harm or conflict.

However, if you’ve gotten into the habit of lying to avoid conflict or discomfort, then you have likely noticed that it is a hard habit to break, even if telling truth wouldn’t cause that much of a problem. Lying is harmful to others for the obvious reason of trust, but can be harmful to yourself because you can start to lose your sense of self and start to feel disconnected in relationships.

At the core, lying comes from fear of what would happen if you told the truth. Maybe the truth would make you feel shame, maybe it would make others feel mad at you, or maybe it would result in loss. The trick to reducing lying is to start calling yourself out when you do it, and start practicing telling the truth, even if there are consequences. Eventually, your brain will recognize that you have the skills to manage discomfort and conflict, and telling the truth tends to have more reward in the long run.

Projecting Blame

Projecting blame serves a very similar purpose to some of the other survival skills that were mentioned. It helps you avoid feelings of shame. Projecting blame looks like refusal to acknowledge that you did something wrong, caused someone to feel bad, or made a mistake. Instead of looking at your role in the situation, you look for someone else to put the blame on.

Realistically, everyone causes harm at some point, even on accident. Being able to acknowledge and repair with others is an important skill for self-growth and in relationships. This could look like, “I’m sorry that what I did hurt you, that wasn’t my intention.” Recognize that acknowledging your role isn’t the same as saying you are a bad person.

Additionally, sometimes no one is to blame in a situation, things just are. For example, if circumstances caused you and your partner to be late to an event, projecting blame would look like taking you frustration at happenstance and blaming it on the person. Being able to accept that some things are out of your control is another important step to change this pattern.

Playing the Victim

Playing the victim is a behavior that, again, allows you to avoid shame. For example, shame of not being good enough or not being capable. It looks like manipulating the truth, on purpose or subconsciously, to take accountability off of yourself and possibly receive sympathy, instead of feeling bad. Maybe you adopted this survival skill in childhood as a way to avoid punishment, or maybe you started doing it later after experiencing deep shame.

It’s important to note that sometimes you ARE a victim of circumstance, and it’s okay to acknowledge when this is your truth. However, it becomes unhealthy if you are taking away your own power in situations in order to avoid natural consequence or personal accountability.

An example of this would be if you didn’t study for an exam, fail the exam, and then report that the reason was because the teacher doesn’t like you, so you had trouble concentrating. It may or may not be true that the teacher doesn’t like you, but your power lies within studying and managing your responsibilities anyways.

Shifting out of this behavior looks like learning to tolerate the distress of consequences, knowing that you can still be a good person, even if you make mistakes, and identifying personal power.

Toxic Positivity

Yes, there can be too much of a good thing! You might laugh at the question, “Am I toxic?” if you are always looking for the silver lining and saying positive statements. However, this behavior can be harmful when it’s used as an avoidance technique.

Toxic positivity serves the purpose of avoiding less comfortable emotions, like grief, anger, or even sympathy. All emotions are important communicators (Click here to read about different emotions), and avoiding them doesn’t allow you opportunity to process or respond properly.

Toxic positivity can look like saying statements such as, “It’s okay he lied to me, at least he doesn’t cheat!” Another example is, “I’m okay, I didn’t really want the promotion anyways, too much work!” It can also be geared toward others, such as, “I’m sorry you had a miscarriage, but at least you can always try for another one!”

To shift out of this behavior, practice sharing space with uncomfortable emotions (yours or other people’s). Letting the emotions exist naturally will create space and increase your ability to tolerate the discomfort.

Judgmental

Judgment is not always bad. In fact, it’s a natural way that our brain categorizes information in the world. If we walked into every situation without any preconceptions or judgment, the world would be overwhelming!

Judgment can become unhealthy if it’s consistently focusing on the negative or being used as a way to avoid connection. Judging others serves the purpose of protecting you from harm in relationships. If you scan for and highlight the negatives, then you have a reason to keep those people away, and therefore can avoid getting hurt.

When this is in overdrive, it can ultimately limit you from necessary connection, as well as drive you away from people that are healthy in your life.

Realistically, everyone has negative qualities. If you look for them, you will find them. In order to recognize when this behavior is being overprotective, practice scanning for people’s positives as well. When you’re able to highlight negatives AND positives, you can make a logical assessment of what to do with the relationship.

Self-Sabotage

Self-sabotage is an interesting survival skill because it seems to do the exact opposite! Self-sabotage is when things are going really well in your life, and you consciously or subconsciously make them go bad. This could look like causing conflict in healthy relationships or creating mistakes at work to where you will get in trouble.

Self-sabotage helps you survive if your brain believes that things going well in your life is a threat. Why would this be a threat you ask? It can be different for everyone. Maybe you believe that if things are going well, then someone can take it away, so you sabotage to prevent the element of surprise. Maybe you don’t believe that you are worthy of a good life and a part of you is worried that someone will notice. Perhaps you grew up in a chaotic environment, and things being calm is unfamiliar.

Whatever the reasoning is, the behavior is driven by anxiety. The trick to changing this behavior is to learn to feel safe in the calm. When things are going well and you start to feel anxious, practice acknowledging that feeling and use self-soothing techniques, like self-talk and breathing.

Control Tactics

Using control tactics on other people is the act of trying to get someone to behave as you want them to through methods like coercion or threats. This is not always so obvious as physical threats, but can be things like threatening to end the relationship, withholding intimacy, or making someone feel bad on purpose when they don’t do what you want.

These tactics seem harsh, and it can be hard to admit to yourself when you are doing them. However, if you are at a space where you recognize you resort to these behaviors and no longer want to, it is good to explore the why behind the behaviors.

Typically, using control tactics means that without control, you feel unsafe or like you can’t get your needs met. Explore what experiences in your past led you to believe this, as this is often caused by traumatic childhood experiences. In the meantime, work on practicing accepting that other people are outside of your control, as well as asking for your needs from people, instead of trying to force them.

These are just some of the behaviors that people view as toxic. I hope it was helpful in answering your question, “Am I toxic?” What toxic behaviors did I miss? Leave a comment below!

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Categories: Mental Health

The 9 Best CBT for Depression Techniques

Recovering from depression is hard work and can often feel overwhelming! Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, or CBT, for depression has proven to help bring positive long-term change and bring hope to people who struggle with depression.

As a mental health therapist, I love teaching people different CBT techniques to help bring them out of their darkest times. This post is ALL about CBT for depression.

Understanding Depression?

Depression is more than just feelings of sadness. Sadness and grief are normal human experiences in response to an external event, typically a loss. Depression lasts longer than a typical period of sadness or grief and has other symptoms associated with it, such as difficulty getting out of bed, dissociation, and lack of interest or pleasure in usual activities.

Depression is the brain’s way of managing overwhelm, like extreme grief, loss of control in one’s life, intense feelings of shame, or chronic anxiety. The brain and body begin to shut down to keep you from feeling these unmanageable sensations, but it takes the positive sensations, like joy and motivation, along with it.

Getting your brain and body to “turn back on” and start functioning normally is a long process, but it is possible! Following these 9 CBT for depression techniques can help get you back to normal.

CBT for Depression: Collect Information

Technique #1: Mood Monitoring

Before making changes, it’s important to collect information about yourself. The first technique, mood monitoring, is simply keeping a log of your moods throughout the day. Even if you are feeling sadness or numb all day, make a note of when you feel a little bit better, or when you feel worse.

Keeping this log can give you information on what types of things impact your mood. If you notice any changes, note what was happening at the time that might have adjusted your mood.

Technique #2: Thought Record

The next technique is keeping a thought record. Similar to monitoring your mood, a thought record can give you a lot of information on how you are viewing your reality. To keep a thought record, make a note at certain intervals during the day, or when you notice a shift in mood, about your thoughts at the time. For example, “I’m feeling angry, and my thought is that nobody is helping me.”

It could also be helpful to journal during the day (click here for journal prompts) to collect information about your thoughts.

Technique #3: Cognitive Triangle

The cognitive triangle is one of the key techniques in CBT. The cognitive triangle (click here for an example), identifies the connection between thoughts, mood, and behavior. If you’ve followed the first two techniques, you’re already collecting thoughts and moods, so now you just need to identify how they are related!

Our thoughts typically drive our moods (or vice versa), which then drives how we behave. By identifying this, we can work to change our thinking patterns, or at least change how we choose to behave, reducing the negative cycle of depression.

CBT for Depression: Preparation

Technique #4: Problem Solving

Once you’ve collected information about yourself and your depression patterns, the next step is preparing or planning for change. The CBT for depression technique, Problem Solving, is a great way to identify what choices you want to make next.

For problem solving, you begin by writing out the problem, brainstorm all of the different solutions, pick a solution that you want to try first, prepare for obstacles, and then take action. Notice that all solutions might not work, so you may have to try a couple of different solutions before finding what works. (Click here for a problem solving worksheet)

It’s likely that you experience a lot of problems that contribute to depression. This technique helps to break it down and focus on one at a time.

Technique #5: Goal Setting

Goal setting is also great for breaking down the recovery process into smaller steps. Looking at where you want to be and where you currently are could feel discouraging. Creating realistic, step-by-step goals can make this more manageable.

Take a look at what areas of your life you would like to change. Identify the ultimate goal, and then break it down into baby goals. For example, “I want to be able to exercise more, but I can hardly get out of bed.” Start by getting up and walking around the house for 10 minutes every day. Then slowly build up from there.

Once you identify your goal, identify when you will do it, how you will do it, and possible obstacles along the way. (Click here for a goal setting worksheet)

Technique #6: Scheduling

Scheduling is another CBT for depression technique that prepares you for action. Start by looking at your current schedule and what your day looks like. Next, identify which goals you want to add to your schedule, or what you would like to achieve. Some people schedule out daily goals, while others might prefer to look at the whole week.

Scheduling is perfect for depression because if you wait until you feel like doing it, you will never do it. Depression takes away motivation, so having something on your schedule and treating it like it’s not an option will help you start to take positive steps toward recovery.

CBT for Depression: Action

Technique #7: Thought Challenging and Reframing

As shown by the Cognitive Triangle, your thoughts can have a direct impact on your mood and how you experience reality. After you have become aware of your thoughts, you can start practicing thought challenging and reframing.

Thought challenging is a CBT for depression technique that has you identify the thoughts contributing to depression, such as “I haven’t done anything,” and challenging them with statements like, “I did do something. I got up and took a shower today.” Identify the thoughts that contribute most to your depression and write down challenge statements. Whenever you think these negative thoughts, you will have a list ready to challenge them.

Reframing is a similar technique. However, instead of saying a challenging statement, you change your perspective. This is good when you are mind-reading or future telling. For example, if you have the thought, “She doesn’t talk to me because she thinks I’m a loser,” you can reframe it to, “She doesn’t talk to me, but it’s probably because she’s busy.” You take the information that you know is true, “She doesn’t talk to me,” and change the part that you are making up.

These techniques won’t automatically make you feel better, and they might even feel like you are lying to yourself. Over time, however, your automatic thoughts should start changing to a more positive perspective.

Technique #8: Deep Breathing

Deep breathing is a great tool for regulating your emotions. It is likely that once you start to turn your emotions and body back on, you will start to feel the things that your brain was trying to avoid, like anxiety or sadness. Learning how to breathe through emotions can be helpful to manage potential overwhelm.

Breath changes with every emotion you feel, and breath when you are sad or anxious tends to be short and quick. Try checking in with your breath several times throughout the day. If you notice short breathing, try taking deep breaths, until you feel your belly expand, and then slowly release the air back out. Do this for several rounds of breath until it starts to feel more natural.

(Click here for a breathing meditation to help calm the mind)

Technique #9: Behavioral activation

The last CBT for depression technique, and possibly the most important, is behavioral activation. Your reality is created by experiences. If you are feeling depressed, and you engage in depressive behaviors, you will continue to feel depressed.

Behavioral activation means to do behaviors or experiences that make you feel good. This will likely be the opposite of what you want to do, because depression will tell you to stay numb. However, taking small steps to feel better will increase positive experiences, which will then give your more energy to take more steps to feel better.

Identify things that help you feel a little bit better, like taking a walk around the block, waking up and journaling, or calling a friend. Try to plan to do some of these things every day. Put it in your schedule and treat it like it’s part of your job. The more you engage in positive activation, the more your brain and body will follow along.

Start feeling better today!

These steps aren’t easy, but they are doable. Start with one thing at a time and give yourself grace when you struggle. I hope learning about CBT for depression was helpful! What is your favorite technique? Leave a comment below!

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Categories: Mental Health

5 Best Anger Management Exercises you Need

Anger is an intense emotion that can take over your mind and body, making you act in ways you couldn’t imagine. Fortunately, mastering some anger management exercises can help you regain control of your anger!

As a mental health therapist, and a former angry person, I know first-hand how out of control anger can make you feel, and what it takes to begin feeling better! This post is ALL ABOUT anger management exercises.

Understanding Anger

Before managing anger, it’s important to understand it. Anger gets a bad rep, but it can be a pretty useful emotion. Anger is considered a secondary emotion, meaning it hitches a ride with other emotions, never popping up on its own.

The purpose of this is so that anger can give you power and protection. Other emotions, like sadness and hurt, might feel painful, so anger steps in to protect you from that sensation. Start thinking about what other emotions are hiding behind your anger. Once you know, you can begin addressing the needs of the primary emotions. Click here to understand how to respond to other emotions.

Anger could also be protecting you from an unhealthy relationship, being disrespected, the pain of grief, or triggers from childhood trauma. It gives you energy to take action and defend yourself from whatever the perceived threat is.

Exercise #1: Meditation for Anger

One of the most important anger management exercises is meditation. If you are turned off by the idea of meditation, hear me out! Meditation can be used for more than just clearing your mind, it can be a way to better understand yourself and your inner world.

To meditate for anger, begin in a relaxed position, closing your eyes. Start to imagine something that angers you. Begin to notice where you feel it in your body. Lean into the space where you feel anger and allow yourself to explore what’s there. What about this situation is making you angry? What older memory might this anger be tied to? What do your body and mind need to do to feel safe? Click here for a guided video on Meditation for Anger.

Exercise #2: Progressive Relaxation

One of the hardest parts of anger management is stopping the anger once it has already started. So how to can you notice the signs of anger more quickly?

Typically, your body will give cues that you are getting angry, such as clenched fists, heated cheeks, or tight shoulders. Progressive relaxation is a technique to become more aware of your body, as well as release tension that you may not notice you are holding.

To practice progressive relaxation, start at the top of your head and activate muscles, one group at a time, for about 10 seconds before releasing. Continue this all the way to your toes. For example, raise your eyebrows, hold for ten seconds, release. Clench your jaw, hold for ten seconds, release.

You will probably notice areas of your body that were activated without your awareness. The more you practice progressive relaxation, the easier it will be to identify when your body is being activated. If you notice the anger being activated, you can make the choice to walk away or calm down before it takes over.

Click here for a guided Progressive Relaxation video.

Exercise #3: Pause and Breathe

Once you are able to recognize the physical cues that you are getting angry, you can take action more quickly to regulate your system. Remember, the deeper you get into your anger, the more difficult it is to pull it back. The key is in stopping it at the beginning!

Breathing is one of the fastest ways to regulate our systems. If you notice, the way you breathe when you’re angry is typically short, strained, and a quicker pace than usual. This type of breathing helps keep your heart rate up and gives your body the energy it needs to fight the threat or to protect yourself. However, if you aren’t actually in a situation where that is necessary, it creates pent up energy that wants to be let out.

So, you begin to notice heat in your face, tension in your muscles, maybe even tears in your eyes. As soon as you notice this, PAUSE and breathe. It is very difficult to use logical thinking in these moments, because your body is going into survival mode, so just get into the habit of PAUSING.

Pause. Take a deep breath in and a long slow breath out. Pause some more. Practice this every time you notice tension in your body, so that it becomes a habit. Eventually, it will become a natural reaction.

Slow breathing (specifically breathing OUT slowly) tells your body to calm down. Once you are calm, your brain starts to get out of survival mode, your frontal lobe turns back on, and you are able to make more rational decisions from there.

Exercise #4: Explore your Patterns

One of the anger management exercises that helps best with long term healing is to explore your patterns. Gaining understanding of why your body believes it needs protection and power in different situations can help you shift your thinking and heal the anger triggers.

Start by keeping an anger log. Write down every time that you get angry, write down the details surrounding the event, and write down any thoughts you have around the event. For example, “I got angry this morning when my dog peed in the house.” My thoughts around this are, “She should be potty trained already, and I’m tired of having to pick it up.” Once you write down your log, you should be able to see themes, such as feeling overwhelmed, powerless, or unappreciated. If you struggle to see themes on your own, an anger log is a great thing to bring to your therapy sessions to discover patterns together!

Exploring your patterns helps you to address core needs, or to shift perspective if your thinking patterns are part of the problem. A personal example of this is when I used to have road rage. After exploring, I recognized that my belief was, “People are in MY way.” It helped my anger when I shifted my thoughts around this to, “People are just existing around me, and they have just a much a right to share the road as I do.” Another belief was, “People are jerks,” because they would cut me off. Shifting my belief to, “It’s not about me. People don’t know better, or they might be struggling with something,” helped me to feel less angry about it.

Exercise #5: Find your Power

If anger is stepping in often to give you power, perhaps you are feeling powerless in other areas of your life. Regaining power and control on your own terms might help anger take a back seat.

It is important to understand your thinking patterns first, because it can give you insight into what kind of power you might be missing. Are you feeling powerless in your relationships? Are you feeling angry because you are overwhelmed at work? Are you feeling powerless because you believe people, or the world, are out to get you?

There are many things that can increase personal power, such as communication skills in relationships, boundaries, creating healthy habits to reduce overwhelm, ending unhealthy relationships, gaining physical power through exercise or self-defense classes, or even finding power in shifting thinking patterns, like focusing on what’s in your control, instead of what’s out of your control.

Begin writing down areas where you feel powerless and identify what things you can do to feel more powerful in a healthy way.

Begin These Anger Management Exercises Today!

These anger management exercises helped me become a more peaceful person, and with time and practice, they can help you too! I hope you enjoyed learning about these anger management exercises!