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5 Most Important CBT for Anxiety Techniques

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, or CBT, is one of the most common types of therapy since its development in the 1960’s. CBT for anxiety has been proven to help reduce symptoms and help people get to a more comfortable living.

As a mental health therapist, I love giving people CBT techniques to practice outside of the office, because I know that they work! This post is ALL ABOUT CBT for Anxiety.

CBT Technique: Relaxed Breathing

As cliche as it sounds, breathing techniques are the NUMBER ONE thing I teach people to manage anxiety. Your breath is directly tied to your anxiety (and other emotions). Have you noticed how your breathing changes based on how you feel? When people are anxious, their breathing tends to get shorter and faster, speeding up their heartrate and activating the sympathetic nervous system.

In short, the sympathetic nervous system is what creates the uncomfortable sensations in your body when you feel threatened by something, like heart racing, shortness of breath, digestive issues, and shaking. Click here for a more descriptive blog on anxiety.

These sensations are natural and helpful when you are actually threatened and needing the extra adrenaline, like if you were needing to run away from a bear. However, that is not usually the case when we’re feeling anxious. In order to let your brain know that it doesn’t need to be anxious, you need to start by slowing down your breathing, which activates the parasympathetic nervous system, calming your body down.

You might have heard many different ways to breathe for anxiety, such as square breathing or the 4-6-8 method, but the ONLY thing that is important for calm breathing to work is to let your OUT breath be longer than your IN breath. So, take a big breath in and let it out as slow as possible. Practice this every day for about 10 minutes a day, so that when you are anxious, it is already something you are familiar with doing.

CBT Technique: Journaling

Journaling is another CBT for anxiety tool. Journaling has many benefits, like self-awareness, exploration, and shifting perspective. For anxiety, the main goal of journaling is to identify thinking patterns and triggers.

Every time your body is anxious, it has been activated by a trigger that made your brain believe you were in danger. This may be obvious, like giving a presentation, or not so obvious, like the fear of being out of control.

Every time you feel anxious, write down the experience in your journal. See if you are able to identify the trigger(s), as well as any thoughts that are associated with the trigger. If you aren’t able to figure out the trigger, still write it down. You might be able to notice patterns later, or even bring it to therapy to see if you can figure it out with your therapist.

Click here for journaling prompts for anxiety.

CBT Technique: Playing the Script

Playing the script is a CBT technique that asks you to start with the anxious thought and then imagine the story playing out like a movie. Typically, once you get the end of the script, you will realize that even though you will be uncomfortable, you will survive.

For example, your anxious thought might be, “What if I get anxious and throw up?” Ok, what if that happens? Then what? Then you will probably feel embarrassed, have to clean up the throw up, then go home and drink water. Worst case scenario, you survive the scenario, just a little embarrassed.

Another example could be, “What if I have a panic attack?” Playing the script out, you will feel really uncomfortable, likely have to sit down somewhere and wait for it to pass or ask someone for help. Afterwards, you can go back home and relax.

The worst-case scenario is not the most likely thing to happen. Most likely, the thing you’re scared of won’t happen at all, but it can ease your anxiety to know that, even if it does, you will survive.

CBT Technique: Cognitive Restructuring

Cognitive Restructuring is a multi-step process that can be used to explore whatever situation is making you anxious. The first thing you do is recognize the situation that is making you anxious. Next you explore the feelings that you are having. If you are practicing cognitive restructuring for anxiety, then you will probably recognize the anxious feeling first, but sometimes you will have accompanying feelings that could also be helpful to explore.

If you’re having the feeling of anxiety, the next step is to explore the thoughts around the anxiety. Ask yourself, “What am I afraid of?” You’ll want to explore any cognitive distortions, or thoughts that may not be in alignment with reality, so that there is room to challenge them. Click here for a list of cognitive distortions.

Once you recognize your thinking around the emotion, as well as your cognitive distortions, you can evaluate the thought further. Ask yourself how accurate the thought it, and if there are any other ways of looking at the situation.

After you’ve explored the situation, feelings, and thoughts fully, you then make a decision based on the logical thinking, not on the emotions alone. Oftentimes, you will come to discover that even though you feel anxious, you are actually safe, and you can make the decision do the scary thing anyways.

Click here for a more descriptive Cognitive Restructuring handout.

CBT Technique: Exposure and Response Prevention

Exposure and Response Prevention is very similar to Exposure Therapy, where the goal is to face your fears and slowly desensitize yourself to them. In CBT, the goal is to intentionally move toward the thought or action that triggers your anxiety, and then choose not to engage in a compulsive action.

For example, if you normally feel anxious when you are grocery shopping, the compulsive action might be to leave the store (or avoid going shopping at all). With exposure and response prevention, you would choose to go to the grocery store, but instead of leaving when you get anxious, you choose to do something else, like self-talk or breathing techniques, and continue shopping.

Why would anyone choose to feel anxious? Because eventually, your brain will begin to recognize that there is no threat and you will slowly start to feel less anxious.

An important thing to note when practicing exposure and response prevention is that you will feel uncomfortable and a temporary increase in anxiety. Just remind yourself that anxiety is just sensations in the body, and you are safe. The more you fight the anxiety, the stronger it will become, but the more you accept and keep going, it will begin to go away on its own. Click here to understand better ways to work with anxiety.

Begin CBT for Anxiety Today!

Choose any of these techniques to begin practicing today. If you feel like you’d like a guide, look for a therapist near you to help.

I hope this post was helpful in better understanding the best CBT for Anxiety techniques! What are your favorite techniques? Comment below!

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7 Tips you Need for Social Anxiety Disorder

Categories: Anxiety, Mental Health

7 Tips you Need for Social Anxiety Disorder Treatment

You’ve been invited to go out with your friends, you want to see them, but the thought of being in a crowd makes your stomach hurt, your body shake, and your heart race. Social Anxiety Disorder treatment is possible and easier than you might think!

As a mental health therapist, and a person who has recovered from social anxiety disorder, I know first-hand what it feels like to struggle with social anxiety, and what it takes to get better! This post is ALL ABOUT social anxiety disorder treatment.

What Causes Social Anxiety Disorder?

(Already understand the cause? Scroll down for tips!)

While there isn’t a singular cause, there are a lot of common experiences that can create social anxiety disorder, also known as social phobia.

First, it’s important to know that social anxiety disorder is not the same as being shy, being introverted, or having a dislike toward people. Social anxiety disorder centers around the extreme fear of embarrassment, being judged, and ultimately being rejected.

Humans in general have a biological need to be accepted and connected. As a herd species, we have historically existed in groups, improving our survival and increasing our attachment to others. Being rejected from the group feels so painful because biologically, it is in our best interest to be accepted.

Of course, over time, people have found ways to become self-aware and increase independence, but that doesn’t change how we are hard-wired.

People that experience a strong fear of rejection or embarrassment are tapping into this natural response, except it is acting in overdrive, telling you that rejection and embarrassment are life-threatening and far more dangerous than they probably are.

If you experience this, you’ve likely experienced strong rejection or perceived rejection early in life. Maybe you have had multiple experiences, or messages, that you are not acceptable as you are or that people will be harmful toward you in social settings. For some, it only takes one major experience to activate their social anxiety disorder.

Just like any phobia, your body activates your fight or flight response when exposed to the trigger, giving you adrenaline for energy, making your heart race, slowing down your digestive system, and creating all sorts of uncomfortable experiences that are encouraging you to avoid the perceived threat.

Tip #1- Identify your Triggers

So, you know you have social phobia, now what? The first tip for social anxiety treatment would be to identify your triggers. It can look different for everyone! For me, I was able to maintain a job as a waitress, but I couldn’t sing the “Happy Birthday” song that was required on a guest’s special day. I could go to class and talk to my lab partner, but I couldn’t make a doctor’s appointment or give presentations.

It’s unclear what causes some things to seem safe for the brain and other things seem terrifying, but it’s helpful to know what you’re working with. Write down every time your social anxiety is activated, see if you can explore patterns or beliefs around the triggers to better understand your anxiety.

Tip #2- Old Reliable CBT

Using tools from one of the most common forms of therapy, cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), is the second tip for social anxiety disorder treatment. CBT asks you to explore your thinking patterns around the emotion and adjust them to help shift the way you feel and experience reality.

Of course, it’s not as easy as just telling yourself not to be scared (I wish!), but it helps to notice what you’re thinking and work to challenge thinking errors. An example of a thinking error might be, “I’m going to embarrass myself and everyone will make fun of me.” This is a form of future-telling, and likely not true. Instead shift to, “I might do something embarrassing, but people probably won’t even notice or care.” You’ll want to change the thought to something that feels right for you.

It’s important to recognize that you can’t predict the future, or read minds, so it could be false to say “People aren’t going to judge me” because we don’t know that. Focus on using “maybes” and “coulds” instead of definitive statements. For example, “Maybe people will judge me, but I don’t have to let that control me.”

What thoughts surround your social anxiety? How might you change them to feel more comfortable?

Tip #3- Then What?

Another skill used often in therapy is playing out the narrative. Think of your worst-case scenario, and ask yourself, “Then what?”

I get to the party, and I don’t know anyone. Then what? I look around for someone I know, but don’t find anyone. Then what? I go stand in the corner and look stupid. Then what? Maybe, a stranger talks to me and I stumble over my words. Then what? Then I have to leave, and I feel bad that I messed up. Then what? Well, then I guess I go home. Then what?

You get the point. Typically, when you walk yourself through the narrative, you’ll find that it’s not so bad. It may be embarrassing and not feel great, but ultimately, you survive the scenario. Remember, social anxiety is telling you that these scenarios are life and death, so helping your anxiety see that you’ll survive the worst-case scenario can be helpful in calming it down.

Tip #4- Calm your Body

Anxiety at the core is a physical condition. The majority of the time, people with social anxiety disorder are aware that there is nothing to worry about, but their body responds anyways. This can make social anxiety worse because some of the symptoms of your anxiety (sweating, forgetfulness, fuzzy thoughts) can create the embarrassing experience you were trying to avoid.

One of the best ways to manage anxiety is through breathwork. Breath is directly linked to the heart, which is directly linked to the bloodstream, which is working to get all of the extra energy chemicals through your system. Slowing down your breathing helps to slow down the heart and let’s your body know to go into a more relaxed state.

Deep breathing works best when you allow your “out-breath” to be longer than your “in-breath.” (Click here to better understand anxiety in the body). Try taking a big breath in, and then as slow as possible, release the air back out. Keep doing this throughout the experience to decrease your physical anxiety.

Note: Some people start to feel like headed when deep breathing. If this happens, allow yourself to go back to a more natural breath for a few rounds, then go back into deep breathing. (Click here to listen to a meditation on calming the mind)

Tip #5- Practice, Practice, Practice

After you have explored your thinking patterns and practiced your breathing techniques, you are all geared up to start practicing! Anxiety is created and reduced by lived experience, meaning, the only way to get over a fear, is to face it.

Exposure therapy is a type of therapy that aims to slowly desensitize you to your fear. Think of it like getting ready for a big game. You don’t start by jumping onto the field, you start by slowly conditioning your body and mind to prepare for the big moment.

For social anxiety disorder treatment, a first step might look like imagining yourself making that phone call, role-playing it with a friend (or an empty chair), or writing out a script. Step two might look like making a phone call that is less threatening, like placing a to-go order, or raising your hand and answering one question in class. As each step feels easier, you want to “level-up” until your reach your goal.

Tip #6- Acceptance

Another important tip for social anxiety disorder treatment is the idea of acceptance. In Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), you are encouraged to accept certain things that are out of your control, and then make choices that align with your values anyways.

For social anxiety disorder, this could look like accepting that your body will start shaking or sweating on your way to a social gathering, but choosing to put yourself in the situation anyways to work toward you goal of overcoming this disorder. It might look like accepting that people tend to be judgmental, but putting yourself in that risky situation, knowing you are doing what you believe in.

As you practice challenging your anxiety, accept that it will feel uncomfortable. You likely will mess up sometimes, your anxiety will kick in, and you won’t always have a successful experience. AND that’s okay. It doesn’t take away from the process and what you are trying to accomplish.

Tip #7- Take a Pause

The final tip for social anxiety disorder treatment is to take a pause. Oftentimes, anxiety will make things feel more urgent than they are. Rushing through a situation, trying to get words out quickly, or leaving an awkward conversation as soon as possible can make things go from bad to worse.

Try to take a pause and a breath before speaking or taking an action. It will slow you down and give you time to think. You might think, “But won’t that seem weird.” Not really. People will likely not even notice, because breathing is a very natural thing to do!

Remember no one is thinking about you as much as you’re thinking about you. If you feel yourself getting nervous, pause, take a breath, and keep going.

These are the seven tips that I used to help heal my social anxiety disorder. If you’d like to better understand trauma, or where anxiety comes from, watch this video on trauma!

I hope this was helpful in better understanding social anxiety disorder treatment! How do you manage your social anxiety disorder? Comment below!

39 Living with Anxiety Quotes You’ll Love

Have you ever experienced the feeling of anxiety so intensely that you wonder if anyone else has ever felt that way? Living with anxiety quotes are a great way for those of us with anxiety to know that we are not alone in our struggle.

As a mental health therapist, and an anxious person, I love to find quotes about anxiety that I can connect with, that can motivate me, and that I can share to express my experiences. This post is ALL ABOUT living with anxiety quotes.

Relatable Living with Anxiety Quotes

1. “I’ve spent most of my life and most of my friendships holding my breath and hoping that when people get close enough, they won’t leave and fearing that it’s a matter of time before they figure me out and go.”
— Shauna Niequist

2. “Anxiety is love’s greatest killer. It makes others feel as you might when a drowning man holds on to you. You want to save him, but you know he will strangle you with his panic.”
— Anais Nin

3. “Our anxiety does not come from thinking about the future, but from wanting to control it.”
— Kahlil Gibran

4. “I lied and said I was busy. I was busy; but not in a way most people understand. I was busy taking deeper breaths. I was busy silencing irrational thoughts. I was busy calming a racing heart. I was busy telling myself I am okay. Sometimes, this is my busy -and I will not apologize for it.”
— Brittin Oakman

5. “But I can hardly sit still. I keep fidgeting, crossing one leg and then the other. I feel like I could throw off sparks or break a window–maybe rearrange all the furniture.”
— Raymond Carver

6. “Chronic anxiety is a state more undesirable than any other, and we will try almost any maneuver to eliminate it. Modern man is living in anxious anticipation of destruction. Such anxiety can be easily eliminated by self-destruction. As a German saying puts it: ‘Better an end with terror than a terror without end.”
–Robert E. Neale

7. “I do not sleep because I am not only afraid of the monsters at my door, but also of the monsters my own mind can conjure. The ones that live within.”
— Samantha Shannon

8. “Mom says where did anxiety come from? Anxiety is the cousin visiting from out of town, depression felt obliged to bring to the party. Mom, I am the party. Only, I am a party I don’t want to be at.”
–Sabrina Benaim

9. “I wake up scared and I’m scared all day. I’m scared of being scared. Scared of “losing it”. Scared of not being able to function. Scared of being hospitalized. Scared that I am not okay. Scared of what life is and if I am wasting mine. Scared that I have no home – that even the place I call home has no bottom to it and I will just keep falling under and under and under.”
— Melissa Broder

10. Creative people, as I see them, are distinguished by the fact that they can live with anxiety, even though a high price may be paid in terms of insecurity, sensitivity, and defenselessness for the gift of the “divine madness,” to borrow the term used by the classical Greeks. They do not run away from non-being, but by encountering and wrestling with it, force it to produce being. They knock on silence for an answering music; they pursue meaninglessness until they can force it to mean.”
— Rollo May

11. “By masking my mental illness, I get along with almost everyone. Although the odd duck, I honor society’s rules. No one else could imagine my mind’s interior.”
— Larry Godwin

12. “Temperamentally anxious people can have a hard time staying motivated, period, because their intense focus on their worries distracts them from their goals.”
— Winifred Gallagher

13. “What doesn’t kill you very often makes you weaker. What doesn’t kill you can leave you limping for the rest of your days. What doesn’t kill you can make you scared to leave your house, or even your bedroom, and have you trembling, or mumbling incoherently, or leaning with your head on a windowpane, wishing you could return to the time before the thing that didn’t kill you.”
— Matt Haig

14. “Man is not worried by real problems so much as by his imagined anxieties about real problems”
— Epictetus

Motivating Living with Anxiety Quotes

15. “To venture causes anxiety, but not to venture is to lose oneself…. And to venture in the highest is precisely to be conscious of oneself.”
— Søren Kierkegaard

16. “Don’t worry if people think you’re crazy. You are crazy. You have that kind of intoxicating insanity that lets other people dream outside of the lines and become who they’re destined to be.”
— Jennifer Elisabeth

17. “It’s OKAY to be scared. Being scared means you’re about to do something really, really brave.”
— Mandy Hale

18. “Fear and anxiety many times indicates that we are moving in a positive direction, out of the safe confines of our comfort zone, and in the direction of our true purpose.”
— Charles F. Glassman,

19. “They say, ‘Look before you leap.’ So look. But do not look for too long. Do not look into the void of uncertainty trying to predict each and every possible outcome, to evaluate every possible mistake, to prevent each possible failure. Look for the opportunity to leap, and leap faster than your fear can grab you. Leap before you talk yourself out of it, before you convince yourself to set up a temporary camp that turns into a permanent delay on your journey into your own heart.”
— Vironika Tugaleva

20. “He who is not every day conquering some fear has not learned the secret of life.”
— Shannon L. Alder

21. “I’ve been absolutely terrified every moment of my life and I’ve never let it keep me from a single thing that I wanted to do.:
— Georgia O’keefe

22. “The only reason I can’t jump in and engage life is that I’ve told myself I can’t. Yet I can’t help wondering would happen if I told myself I could?”
— Craig D. Lounsbrough

23. “Inaction breeds doubt and fear. Action breeds confidence and courage. If you want to conquer fear, do not sit home and think about it. Go out and get busy.”
— Dale Carnegie

24. “The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.”
— Nelson Mandela

25. “ “People wish to be settled; only as far as they are unsettled is there any hope for them.”
— Ralph Waldo Emerson

26. “You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, ‘I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.’ You must do the thing you think you cannot do.”
— Eleanor Roosevelt

Helpful Living with Anxiety Quotes

27. “When I feel threatened, vulnerable, or insecure, whether it from simply walking into a room of unknown people, meeting someone for the first time, an unexpected or expected confrontation, or doing something new, I affirm in my mind (over and over): There is no danger, there is no threat. From there, the discomfort lessens, and I become open for discovery and adventure.”
— Charles F. Glassman

28. “Our anxiety does not empty tomorrow of its sorrows, but only empties today of its strengths.”
— C.H. Spurgeon

29. “Anxiety’s like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but it doesn’t get you very far.”
–Jodi Picoult

30. “Worry often gives a small thing a big shadow.”
— Swedish proverb

31. “I promise you nothing is as chaotic as it seems. Nothing is worth diminishing your health. Nothing is worth poisoning yourself into stress, anxiety, and fear.”
— Steve Maraboli

32. “I’ve learned that it helps to talk about [anxiety]. Unfortunately, I think most people would still get more sympathy from their colleagues and bosses at work if they show up looking rough one morning and say ‘I’m hungover’ than if they say, ‘I’m suffering from anxiety.’ But I think we pass people in the street every day who feel the same as you and I, many of them just don’t know what it is. Men and women going around for months having trouble breathing and seeing doctor after doctor because they think there’s something wrong with their lungs. All because it’s so damn difficult to admit that something else is…broken. That it’s an ache in our soul, invisible lead weights in our blood, an indescribable pressure in our chest. Our brains are lying to us, telling us we’re going to die. But there’s nothing wrong with our lungs.”
— Fredrik Backman,

33. “What worries you masters you.”
— John Locke

34. “Curiosity and passion are the enemies of anxiety. Even when I fell into anxiety, if I get curious enough about something outside of me it can help pull me out. Music, art, film, nature, conversation, words. Find passion as large as your fear. The way out of your mind is via the world.”
— Matt Haig

35. “It is not depression or anxiety that truly hurts us. It is our active resistance against these states of mind and body. If you wake up with low energy, hopeless thoughts, and a lack of motivation – that is a signal from you to you. That is a sure sign that something in your mind or in your life is making you sick, and you must attend to that signal. But what do most people do? They hate their depressed feelings. They think “Why me?” They push them down. They take a pill. And so, the feelings return again and again, knocking at your door with a message while you turn up all the noise in your cave, refusing to hear the knocks. Madness. Open the door. Invite in depression. Invite anxiety. Invite self-hatred. Invite shame. Hear their message. Give them a hug. Accept their tirades as exaggerated mistruths typical of any upset person. Love your darkness and you shall know your light.”

— Vironika Tugaleva

36. “Don’t be afraid of being scared. To be afraid is a sign of common sense. Only complete idiots are not afraid of anything.”
— Carlos Ruiz Zafón

37. “You only feel powerless because your fear has given your power to the object of your fear. Once you realise this, you can claim it back.”
— Kamand Kojouri

38. “Fear keeps us focused on the past or worried about the future. If we can acknowledge our fear, we can realize that right now we are okay. Right now, today, we are still alive, and our bodies are working marvelously. Our eyes can still see the beautiful sky. Our ears can still hear the voices of our loved ones.”
–Thich Nhat Hanh

39. “Anxiety was born in the very same moment as mankind. And since we will never be able to master it, we will have to learn to live with it—just as we have learned to live with storms.”
— Paulo Coelho

I hope you enjoyed these living with anxiety quotes! Are there any quotes that I missed? Comment below!

3 Steps to Overcome your Fear to Leave the House

Fear to leave the house can be debilitating and isolating. When you feel like it’s unsafe to leave your home, you may start to feel hopeless, trapped in your own body, and you might start thinking, “What is wrong with me?”

As a mental health therapist, I have worked with tons of people who struggle with agoraphobia, or the fear of being in places where it’s difficult to escape or where they won’t find help. Fortunately, with any anxiety disorder or phobia, there is a way to overcome it! This post is ALL ABOUT fear to leave the house.

What Causes a Fear to Leave the House?

The most common reason someone might have a fear to leave the house is due to agoraphobia. People that struggle with agoraphobia typically feel unsafe in most environments that are not their home (or another familiar place).

Oftentimes, this fear is caused by the experience of panic attacks. If you’ve experienced the terror of a panic attack, you are likely nervous about it happening again. Because panic attacks can seem unpredictable, the idea of having one in public, where you might not be able to escape, could be terrifying.

Even if you’ve never experienced panic attacks, or don’t experience agoraphobia, you may still have a fear to leave the house. This is likely due to a traumatic experience where you learned that leaving the house is unsafe, such as an assault, catching a life-threatening illness, or even watching television that displays the outside world as being unsafe or violent.

How do I get Better?

Overcoming a fear to leave the house is both simple and difficult. It’s simple in the steps that you take, but difficult in the reality that you will feel strong discomfort. Whenever your brain believes that leaving the house is a threat, it will start to send alarm signals to the body, trying to prevent you from walking out the front door. These alarm signals may be both physical, like your heart racing or your legs feeling numb, and cognitive, like an inner voicing telling you that bad things are going to happen. Even if you do push past this and leave the house, your brain will send your body signals to try and return back home.

Instead of flooding your system with anxiety by taking a “just do it” approach, try taking small steps toward your goal. Anxiety is worsened and reduced by experiences that you have. If you try and challenge the anxiety, and then have a terrible experience, your brain will log that away as more “proof” to not leave the home. Similarly, the more you stay home and don’t experience threats, the more your brain will have “proof” that the home is the safest place to be. So compromise by staying within your window of tolerance when challenging your fear. Think Goldilocks, not too intense, not too comfortable, but JUST RIGHT!

Step 1: Resourcing to Feel Safe

The first step when challenging any anxiety or phobia is to create a safety net for yourself. If you are going to push past your comfort zone, you’ll want to trust that you have the tools or resources to pull yourself back.

Find your Helpers

Resourcing doesn’t have to just come from within. People are biologically wired to feel better when with a safe person or safe people. Studies have indicated that holding someone’s hand can reduce the experience of pain, and hugging can increase feel-good chemicals in our bodies.

Even without physical touch, the presence of a safe person when challenging anxiety can help us know that we have help if something, like a panic attack, were to happen.

Lastly, it can be helpful to scan for helpers outside of your circle. If you have the belief that the outside world is dangerous, or people are harmful, look around for proof of the opposite. When someone falls down, typically you will notice people running to help. When someone’s car gets stuck in the mud, you will often see people jumping to that person’s aid. The more that you pay attention to the helpers in the world, the more you will begin to feel safe, even among strangers.

Calm your Body

Anxiety is predominantly physical. Your heart races; you feel tension in your muscles; your stomach hurts. Learning how to effectively calm your body can give you power in knowing that even if you are to feel anxious in public, you can find a way to calm back down. Deep breathing, rhythmic movement, and extreme temperatures are just a few ways to calm anxiety. (Click here to learn 3 Best Ways to Calm Anxiety FAST).

Increase your Personal Power

The more powerful you feel, the less likely your brain will think you’re in danger. Discover what areas you feel less powerful in, whether it’s physical, emotional, or even intellectual, and increase your power there.

To increase your physical power, you may start to lift weights or watch online self defense videos. To increase your intellectual power, you may start to read books or educate yourself on things, such as statistics of crime in the area or on understanding anxiety in the body. Whichever areas you are trying to feel more powerful in, there are a lot of resources to help you get there.

Step 2: Cognitive Challenging

Identifying and challenging thinking errors is a big step in overcoming phobias. A big mistake people make when trying to challenge their fear to leave the house is telling themselves statements like, “Nothing is going to happen,” or “Stop overreacting!”

When a part of you believes that it is in danger, dismissing it can cause it to get even louder. If you’ve tried telling yourself, “Everything will be fine,” you might have noticed a response like, “Well, what if it’s not??”

You might notice better luck if you work WITH the anxious part, instead of against. (Click here to read about How to Manage Emotions Differently).

The reality is, you cannot guarantee that nothing will happen, and this anxious part will always have a rebuttal. Try this CBT skill of going through your worst case scenario. For example, if you leave the house, you MIGHT have a panic attack. If you have a panic attack, you MIGHT not be able to escape or find help. Say you forget all of your coping skills and end up curled up on the sidewalk until the panic attack ends. Maybe you feel embarrassed and return home defeated. Yes, this sounds terrible! AND you will survive. Panic attacks last, on average, 3-5 minutes. It will end and you will return home. But most likely, things will not go this bad. You will likely use your skills, find a place to sit, or even find someone to help. Letting yourself explore worst case scenario can help ease this anxious part.

Another way to work with this anxious part is to challenge the extreme fear statements, such as “I’m dying,” or “I won’t survive this.” Anxiety, like any emotion, is just sensations in the body. When anxiety strikes, remind yourself: “I’m not dying, I’m having anxiety. It will go away eventually.” “I can survive this, I’m just really uncomfortable right now.” “Even if I feel anxious, I know that I am safe.”

Step 3: Face Your Fears

This is a cliché statement, but it is one of the only things that works to overcome a phobia. If you have a fear to leave the house, then the only way to teach your brain that leaving the house isn’t scary, is by leaving the house and having safe experiences.

The best way to do this is by taking baby steps. Start with what feels slightly uncomfortable, but not overwhelming. This can be different for everybody, but some examples are:

Take a walk down the street while practicing deep breathing.
Go to the park with a safe friend.
Meditate on imagining yourself leaving the home.

As you start to feel comfortable with different challenges, then “level up” to the next hardest thing. This is called Exposure Therapy and is very effective in helping to overcome phobia.

One of the most important pieces of exposure therapy is to end the experience with a positive belief. Tell your brain after each experience, “I survived leaving my home.” Even if you had a panic attack, remind yourself, “I survived that experience.” This will teach your brain that it doesn’t need to activate the anxiety every time you leave the house.

Therapy Can Help

If you’d like a guide through the process, or need someone to help you better understand your cognitive errors, beliefs around leaving the house, triggers, and to identify coping skills, try seeing a mental health therapist. Fortunately, teletherapy has shown to be just as effective as in-person therapy, so you won’t need to leave your home to get started.

To find a therapist, go to Psychology Today and search for someone specializing in trauma or anxiety disorders, who also offers telehealth.

Even if you’re not ready for therapy, these three steps can help you finally overcome your fear to leave the house!

Have you ever struggled with a fear to leave the house? What has worked for you? Comment below!

Other posts you might like:
Overcome Your Fear of Flying
Is it Possible to Change your Reality?

Categories: Anxiety, Mental Health

How Can I Calm my Anxiety FAST? (3 Must-Have Tips)

If you’ve ever experienced intense anxiety, you have probably found yourself asking, “How can I calm my anxiety fast?!” There are many tips and tricks to manage anxiety, but which ones are best in a pinch?

As a mental health therapist, and someone who has personally experienced debilitating anxiety, I have seen what works, what doesn’t, and what methods are THE BEST for quickly resolving anxiety symptoms. This blog is ALL ABOUT answering your question, “How can I calm my anxiety fast?”

Understanding Anxiety

You might already know the basics of anxiety and what exactly is happening in your body. If you do, skip ahead to tips! If not, here is a quick overview:

Anxiety is a survival emotion that is designed to keep you safe from danger. Whenever your brain perceives a threat (real or imagined), it activates the sympathetic nervous system (AKA fight-or-flight). This part of your nervous system works to give you energy to fight the threat or run away from the threat.

A LOT goes on in your body when the sympathetic nervous system is activated, some of which can include your heart racing, shortening of breath, increased adrenaline and cortisol, reduced function of your frontal lobe (conscious decision making), blood flow moving to your vital organs, slowing down of your digestive system, and increased alertness (causing the sensation of time slowing down). These ALL serve the purpose of helping you survive whatever the perceived threat is.

Typically, these sensations will last a short time until the threat is perceived to have gone away. At which point the parasympathetic system works to calm the body down. For people with chronic anxiety, however, the sympathetic nervous system stays activated for way longer than intended, causing digestive issues, fatigue, and inflammation in the body.

Tip #1-The Diving Reflex

You may have heard tips like, “Splash your face with water,” or “Take a cold shower.” These tips are not without backing. The diving reflex is a biological function that your body has when it perceives that you are diving into cold water. Like fight-or-flight, the diving reflex is designed to keep you alive when you are underwater. It will slow your heart rate down to conserve oxygen, adjust your blood flow back to the brain, ultimately overriding the fight-or-flight response.

To work best, you would need to submerge your face into cold water. Not the best time to stick your face in a bowl of water? No problem! According to the DBT skill, TIPP, any extreme temperature can help snap your body out of a panic state. Try sticking your hand in ice water, rubbing cold ice on your neck or wrists, or even blasting the A/C in the car and putting your face close to the vent.

For chronic anxiety, practice taking cold showers every day, taking walks in the cold, or drinking ice cold water throughout the day.

Tip #2- Breathwork

Okay, hear me out! Most people roll their eyes at me when I tell them to practice deep breathing during a panic attack, because they’ve tried it, and it JUST doesn’t work. But this cliche is also based in science. Remember how your body shortens the breath and speeds up the heart rate when your sympathetic nervous system is activated? Well, it does the opposite when your parasympathetic nervous system kicks in. Your breath is DIRECTLY tied to your nervous system. If you can control your breath, you can control your body.

So, how can I calm my anxiety fast with breathwork? The key is in knowing HOW to breathe. Whenever you want to amp your body up, you take a long breath in and a quick breath out. You’ve likely seen athletes do this to give themselves energy before a big game. Unfortunately, most people accidentally do this when they are told to take deep breaths, making their anxiety worse. What you’ll want to do is take a quick breath in and a super long slow breath out. I’m talking as slow as possible. This will let your body know to activate the parasympathetic nervous system and calm your body down. Do this for about 30 seconds and you will start to notice a shift.

Be aware, that you may feel like you are choking or can’t get air in at first. This is normal. You are fighting what your body is biologically trained to do. After some time, however, your body should begin to regulate.

If you have chronic anxiety, it is best to practice this breathing technique several times a day for a few minutes at a time. The more you practice when you’re not in a panic state, the easier it will be to use this skill when you are activated.

Tip #3- Shake, Shake, Shake

Have you ever noticed your body start to shake involuntarily after you get startled? How about your leg shaking or your body swaying back and forth when you are nervous? Body movement is a natural response for a couple of reasons.

First, shaking helps you get rid of extra energy in your body that was created by the nervous system in response to the perceived threat. If you had used the energy to say, fight off a bear, then it would have been put to good use. However, most of the threats that activate your system are not actually things you would need that level of energy for, so the energy gets trapped in your body. Shaking helps to get it out. If you are in a space that allows it, try using up your energy when you are anxious. Do some jumping jacks, shake your body, allowing your arms to swing, lay down and allow your legs to shake. This might feel uncomfortable in the moment, but it can help move the anxiety along, while also reducing long-term effects that trapped energy could have.

Second, rhythmic movement can help regulate the nervous system. Swaying back and forth, yoga, tai chi, cycling, running, all while paired with rhythmic breathing, can help soothe the body. If you have chronic anxiety, it would be ideal to do some rhythmic movement every day to help regulate your system. In a pinch, try some yoga sun breathing.

Click this video to learn how to sun breathe. Watch the whole video for a yoga flow!

The More You Know!

Anxiety is complex! These tips are best for helping physical anxiety symptoms fast, but you will probably find benefit in healing the cognitive portion of your anxiety as well. Watch these videos to learn more about anxiety, trauma, and even more strategies to help.

Managing Anxiety (Video)
Understanding Trauma (Video)

I hope these tips helped to answer your question, “How can I calm my anxiety fast?”

What are your favorite tips for anxiety? Comment below!

3 Easy-to-Use Journaling Ideas for Mental Health

“Journaling ideas for mental health” is one of the top-searched terms in Google when it comes to journaling. Why? Because people seem to know that journaling can have a tremendous benefit to your mind, body and mood, but many people don’t know where to start.

As a mental health therapist, and fellow journal-keeper, I am always coming up with new journaling ideas for myself and others. This post is ALL about journaling ideas for mental health.

Keep a Mood Journal

One of the first places to start when it comes to journaling ideas for mental health is to keep a mood journal. A mood journal, or mood tracker, is a great way to reconnect to yourself, become more mindful in the moment, and become more aware how your moods shift throughout the day.

One way to use a mood journal is to sit down at the end of the day and write down the different emotions you can recall from that day. Explore what events shifted your mood and identify thoughts associated with the moods. This can help you recognize patterns and triggers and give you the power to make some adjustments.

Another way to use a mood journal is to simply track your moods. This could look like carrying a small journal around with you and writing down every time you recognize a shift in mood. Not only will you have a log at the end of the day to reflect upon, but this will make you more present to what’s happening in your body during the day.

Pro Tip: If you prefer to use an artistic approach to journaling, or have a bullet journal, you can track your moods with color. Print (or draw) a coloring page and fill out a different section every time you have a different mood. This will create a piece of art that reflects your day!

Keep a Daily Reflection Journal

A daily reflection journal is a great way to allow yourself to pause and process your day. This can be especially helpful if you are a worker bee, a stay-at-home parent, a student, or anybody else that isn’t used to pressing the pause button in life.

To keep a daily reflection journal, set aside 10 or 15 minutes at the end of your day for journaling. This should be a distraction-free time, where you can be with yourself and your thoughts. In this moment, you can either write down any thoughts that come to mind, getting the thoughts out of your head onto paper, or you can narrate the events of your day.

After you are done writing, recognize themes, interactions, emotions, and process your thoughts about what you notice. See if there is anything you’d like to keep doing because it made you feel more joy, or if there were things you would hope to change moving forward.

Begin with Journaling Prompts

One of the final easy-to-use journaling ideas for mental health is to use pre-made journaling prompts. Here is a list of journaling prompts for therapy, and there are many other journaling prompts that can find to help you get your thoughts flowing. A way to make this easier for you is to sit down at the beginning of every week, choose a list of pre-made prompts, and write down a prompt at the top of each page. This way, when you go to write, the prompt is already there for you.

In addition to finding free prompts online, there are also plenty of places that offer journals with prompts already in them, like this one from Amazon or this one from Barnes & Noble.

Use these Journaling Ideas for Mental Health Today!

Whichever idea you begin to start with, there’s no better time to start than today! Journaling, like any habit, takes time and consistency to make it stick. Once you start to see the amazing benefits of journaling, you won’t want to stop!

Do you have any journaling ideas for mental health that you love? Comment below!

5 Life-Changing Steps to Help your Fear of Flying

You’ve been planning the trip, you’re excited to create new experiences, but as soon as you click the “purchase ticket” button, your body is filled with dread. Fear of flying can make travel unbearable! Fortunately, it is 100% treatable.

Fear of flying, or aerophobia, is a common phenomenon that can limit and frustrate people that want or need to travel. As a therapist, and more importantly a cured former aerophobe, I have experienced first-hand how to overcome this disorder. This post is ALL ABOUT how to overcome your fear of flying.

Step 1: What’s the Fear?

Any anxiety created by the body is in response to a perceived threat. Contrary to popular belief, not all fear of flying has to do with a perceived threat of the plane crashing. It’s important to know exactly what your brain is responding to so that you know how to work with it.

For some, the plane crashing is the main concern, for others, it could be the feeling of being trapped, the fear of not having control, or even the fear of getting sick while on the plane. For me, it was the fear of having a panic attack on the plane, because, well, that’s what would happen when I got on planes.

Ask yourself, what am I afraid of? If the answer doesn’t come to you immediately, try imagining yourself getting on the plane and see what thoughts come up naturally.

Step 2: Exposure Therapy

Anxiety is typically tied to experiences. The more you have a bad experience around flying, the more your brain will believe that the fear of flying is necessary for survival. Exposure therapy involves creating experiences that challenge the fear. This doesn’t necessarily mean to jump on a plane right away, but it does mean to start exposing yourself to the idea of flying. Exposure therapy works in a sequence. You start with something that activates the fear but doesn’t push you over the edge. This might look like imagining yourself getting on a plane, watching videos of people on planes, going to the airport and watching planes take off, and eventually going on short plane trips (if financially feasible).

The important thing to know about exposure therapy is that it WILL be uncomfortable. Your body will sense the threat and start to activate the sympathetic nervous system. As you are feeling uncomfortable, try and pair it with positive thoughts like “you are safe,” as well as utilizing deep long breaths to let the body know that it’s okay to calm down.

Step 3: Normalize the Body Sensations

Whenever your sympathetic nervous system gets activated, a lot of uncomfortable things start happening in the body. If you don’t know what is happening, it can be alarming, and you might start to panic. To normalize the body sensations, it’s helpful to understand that the purpose of the sympathetic nervous system activating in times of crisis is to give you energy and to help you survive.

Adrenaline and cortisol begin pumping through your body to give you quick energy, your heart begins pumping faster, shortening your breath, to get blood and energy chemicals through your system. Oftentimes, your frontal lobe (the conscious decision-making part of the brain) turns off, allowing your body to be more instinctual. Your digestive system will slow down, trying to consume all of the possible energy before letting it leave the system. Your limbs might go numb or tingly as your body tries to divert the blood to your vital organs. No wonder you feel uncomfortable!

When you start to feel nausea, tingly legs, a fast heartbeat, it can be helpful to remind yourself that these are all signs that your body is working. It’s doing what it thinks it should do when there’s a threat. Knowing this doesn’t make it more comfortable, but it can help you to not get more anxious, allowing the sensations to go away faster.

Know that these sensations are temporary and will likely go away in a few minutes once your brain realizes that you are not in danger.

Step 4: Use Your Five Senses

Your five senses, sight, hearing, taste, touch and smell, are your bodies way of interacting with the outside world. Whenever your body is in a state of alert, these senses might be heightened, scanning the world for any threats.

When you have a fear of flying, things you might not otherwise notice, like odd sounds coming from the wing, lights flickering, sensations in your body, can all be on high alert. In order to help this, you can choose to give these senses something else to focus on.

For taste, you might chew some gum or a favorite snack. For sound, you might play some of your favorite music or listen to a calming meditation (loud enough to drown out the plane noises). For sight, you might close your eyes, watch a movie, or read a magazine. For smell, you might put on some lavender oil or a small pillow with your partner’s perfume on it. For touch, you might get a soft blanket or a fidget toy. Find something for all of your senses and allow your body to fully focus on these things during take-off or any time during the flight that you start to feel anxious.

Step 5: Use CBT Techniques for Fear of Flying

CBT, or cognitive behavioral therapy, uses techniques to challenge your thinking, which can change the way you feel. It may not be as simple as telling yourself, “Don’t be afraid,” but there are some statements that can help while you’re on the plane.

If your fear is that the plane might crash, or an odd noise means the plane is breaking, then a good challenge is to look around you. Does the flight attendant look relaxed? Are the businesspeople still calmly typing on their computers? By looking at the people who fly often, you will be able to tell yourself that if they aren’t alarmed, then things are probably going as planned.

If your fear is that you feel trapped, then it may be helpful to tell yourself, “I could get up if I wanted to. If I REALLY wanted to, I could make a scene and they would land the plane.” (No joke, I used to tell myself this). The trick is letting yourself believe that you aren’t really trapped, you’re just choosing to stay put.

If your fear is that your body will stay in panic mode forever, then tell yourself, “This is temporary, it’s always temporary.” The body will, at some, run out of energy and you will either just feel really tired or kind of numb. Either way, you will eventually feel normal again.

Figure out what your nervous thoughts are and prepare yourself ahead of time for what you will say in action.

Start Overcoming your Fear of Flying

Overcoming your fear of flying will take time. As you create new experiences, your body will eventually learn that it does not need to activate whenever you get on a plane. Know that the first couple of times you fly, your body may still feel anxious, and that’s ok. Be patient with yourself and keep trying!

Do you have any experiences with fear of flying? Comment below!

19 Therapy Journaling Prompts

“You should try journaling!” We’ve all heard it before. Whether it’s your therapist, your friend, or your sister, people are ALWAYS recommending therapy journaling as a way to improve mental health. But where do you even begin?

As a mental health therapist and personal journal keeper, I am always coming up with journaling prompts to help people begin the process. This blog post is ALL ABOUT therapy journaling.

The first step is to discover what TYPE of therapy journaling you are hoping for. There are many different themes based on your needs and goals. Some of these themes include:

– Processing
– Depression Recovery
-Anxiety Recovery
– Goal/Motivation Focused

Therapy Journaling-Processing

Do you find yourself overthinking throughout the day? Do you have trouble sleeping at night because of your busy brain? Do you struggle to answer questions about yourself and who you are? Therapy journaling centered on processing typically serves the purpose of getting thoughts OUT of your head and onto the paper. This type of journaling can help you organize your thoughts and better understand how your brain works.

Prompt #1– Free write. Set a timer for 5 minutes and write the first thing that comes to your mind. Do not stop writing until the timer goes off. Do not pause to correct mistakes. Do not analyze. Just write. Afterwards, leave the thoughts on the pages OR scan through what you wrote to search for patterns.

Prompt #2– Write a narrative of your day as if you were telling a story. This can be in first person (I went to the store) or third person (She went to the store). Make note of events, characters, and feelings.

Prompt #3– What emotions did you feel today? What prompted those emotions? What beliefs are tied to those emotions?

Prompt #4- What events happened today that you didn’t properly process? What memories came up that you need to process further?

Therapy Journaling- Depression Recovery

When journaling to help with depression, the purpose is often to be aware of thinking patterns that bring you down and practice adjusting these patterns to put yourself in a different mindset. For example, when you are experiencing depression, you might view the world as negative or have beliefs that because you feel bad, everything IS bad. Journaling can be a great way to bring awareness to your thinking and actively practice thinking differently. Note: Changing thinking patterns alone is not a cure for depression, but it can create a positive impact toward recovery.

Prompt #5– What negative thinking patterns did you have today? Which of those thinking patterns could be viewed in a more positive way? (i.e. “I didn’t do ANYTHING of worth today” can be changed to “I woke up and brushed my teeth today”).

Prompt #6– What went well today? (at the end of the day) or What could go well today? (at the beginning of the day)

Prompt #7- Gratitude Journal: What are three things I’m grateful for today?

Prompt #8– Self-Worth Journal: What did I do well today? What are 3 things I like about myself today?

Therapy Journaling- Anxiety Recovery

Therapy journaling for anxiety could have different intentions based on where you are at in the healing process. Ultimately, the goals are focused on anxiety relief, whether by getting the thoughts out of your head or discovering more about what causes your anxiety.

Prompt #9– What made me anxious today? What was the perceived threat in those situations? How real is the threat? (This can be helpful to bring to therapy for trauma processing).

Prompt #10– What are anxious thoughts that I can put to rest until tomorrow? (This is good before bed to let your brain know that you will remember these concerns at a later time).

Prompt #11– What made me feel powerful today? What made me feel safe?

Therapy Journaling- Goal/Motivation Focused

Whether you are working on therapy goals, like challenging your anxiety, or self-growth goals, like exercise or daily living habits, keeping a journal can help you maintain motivation. Just writing down your goals can increase the likelihood that you will achieve those goals, and making the habit of checking in with yourself every day will increase those chances even more.

Prompt #12– (In the morning) What 3 things do I want to accomplish today? How will I feel once I’ve accomplished those things?

Prompt #13– (At night) What actions did I take toward my goals today (having this at the end of every night will motivate you during the day to complete the goals).

Prompt #14– What is my end of year goal? What are small steps I can take today to reach that goal?

Therapy Journaling- Other ideas

There are so many other idea prompts when you begin journaling, and once you get the hang of it, it can be a lot of fun! Here are some other ideas to get you started.

Prompt #15– Write as a different part of you and see what you discover. “If I’m my inner child, I think…I need…”. “If I’m my inner critic, I want…”

Prompt #16– Dream journal. Write down your dreams right when you wake up and explore themes and patterns.

Prompt #17– Empathy Journal. Practice building your empathy muscle by writing as another person. “If I am my mom, then I feel…I want…” Try and come from a non-judgmental place when practicing this.

Prompt #18– Body Love Journal- What sensations do I notice in my body today? What are those sensations telling me? What is my body doing for me today?

Prompt #19– Buy a journal with prompts already planned out for you, like this high-rated journal from Target or this exploration journal from Amazon.

Wherever you decide to start, therapy journaling can be a great tool to improve mental health, self awareness, and help to guide the therapeutic process.

What’s your favorite therapy journal prompt? Comment below!

3 Steps to Heal from a Toxic Family

Most people that grow up in a toxic family don’t realize how unhealthy their family is until adulthood. With the term “toxic” getting thrown around a lot these days, how do you know if you are living in a toxic family system?

As a mental health therapist who specializes in complex trauma and adult attachment, recovering from toxic family systems is something that I help people with every day. This blog post is ALL ABOUT how to heal from a toxic family.

How Do I know if I have a Toxic Family?

The term toxic, while a recent buzzword, really just means something that is harmful and pervasive, or something that is poisonous. When thinking of family systems, this definition can encompass a range of personalities, behaviors, and patterns. Let’s start with some basic understanding of family systems.

Every Family has a Homeostasis

Remember the term homeostasis from science class? Homeostasis is the idea that every system goes toward a state of balance. In a family system, this homeostasis is referring to the normal way that the family operates to survive. This does not necessarily mean that the homeostasis is a healthy one, it just means that it is the way the family has developed to function over time, and when something disrupts this homeostasis, the entire system will push back to get toward the normal way of operating.

Homeostasis is to blame for the conflict that arises when one member of the family system tries to change their patterns, their role, or exit the system. For example, if the “problem child” of the family starts to get better, other members of the family may unintentionally seek for problems in that person or become dysregulated at the healing. This is not because they are bad people, rather they subconsciously don’t know how to operate outside of homeostasis.

Every Person in the Family has a Role

Have you ever considered what your role in your family system is? Have you ever noticed that this role plays out in jobs, intimate relationships, and friendships? Oftentimes, the role that you have engaged in within your family system will be unintentionally played out in other areas of your life.

Theoretically, family roles are adopted based on the needs of the family system at the time, starting with the parent figures and adjusting with each child or person brought into the system. For example, before you were born, your parents might have had unresolved conflict. When you came into the family system, your parents might have shifted focus to you and your achievements, providing relief from the family conflict. This could unintentionally create the role of the GOLDEN CHILD or HERO, where you felt the need to be a perfect high-achiever, not allowing you to have space for less pleasant emotional expression or failure.

Maybe when you were born, there was an older sibling who already took the role of the Golden Child, so feeling this tension, you acted out in attempts to get connection over the Golden Child. This acting out, while unwanted, allowed the family to pull away from their own issues and focus on you, the PROBLEM CHILD or SCAPEGOAT. These patterns continue to serve their purpose for the duration of your life.

Perhaps, when you were born, there was already so much tension in the home with your parents and siblings, that you just wanted to stay out of the way, not receiving praise or consequence, you become the LOST CHILD. For the rest of your life, you do your best to stay out of the way, never rocking the boat.

That is just one example of a way that family roles can get created.

Here are some other common family roles:

The Caretaker- Taking care of everyone in the family to avoid family tension
The Rescuer- Solves other people’s problems to reduce chaos
The Mascot- Uses humor to deflect from the family tension
The Switchboard Operator- Manages everyone in the family and their relationships with one another
The Truthteller- Tries to heal the chaos by calling out the hidden problems

It is important to know that no role is good or bad, but they can become unhealthy at different extremes. These roles can exist in even healthy family systems and do not inherently make a toxic family.

Every Family has Rules

Every family operates within a set of rules. These rules can be spoken, such as “No yelling in the house,” or unspoken, such as “We don’t tolerate emotions.” These rules generally help the family maintain homeostasis, and it is important to identify what rules you may be subconsciously operating by. Some examples of family rules are:

The parents are always right, and not to be challenged.
Under no circumstances upset your mother.
Treat each other with kindness.
Boys don’t cry.
If conflict arises, just pretend that it didn’t.
Always protect your family.
We don’t talk about family stuff to outsiders.

Similar to family roles, family rules are not always harmful or toxic. What family rules does your family operate by?

When is it Considered a Toxic Family?

There is no clear-cut answer to this question, because toxicity can exist on a spectrum and in many forms. However, consider using these family systems concepts to identify how healthy your family is operating.

HOMEOSTASIS in a TOXIC FAMILY

What is the homeostasis serving in your family? Is the balance created by avoiding healthy conversation or conflict? Is the balance created by the entire family dancing around one member’s unhealthy behaviors? Is it more comfortable to be yelling then to talk about personal change?

Try and understand what the norm is for your family and why that became the norm. If homeostasis serves to keep things the same, but is harmful to the individual members, you may be in a toxic family system.

FAMILY ROLES in a TOXIC FAMILY

Roles serve a purpose and are not always bad. Even the identified “Problem Child” may not be an unhealthy role if the family is actually responding to problems that exist (such as a medical diagnosis), and the role can shift once that person begins to heal. The caretaker can be a helpful family member if they are not enabling unhealthy behaviors or encouraging unhealthy dependence.

Identify the purpose of your role and your family member’s roles. If these roles serve to enable problems, avoid emotions or healthy communication, or are harmful to one or all of the different family members, you may be in a toxic family system.

FAMILY RULES in a TOXIC FAMILY

There are some family rules that are more obviously toxic, such as rules that allow active physical or verbal abuse, rules that enable unhealthy patterns of an individual, or rules that do not allow safe expression of emotions. There are some rules that may not be as obvious, such as rules that discourage personal growth or encourage sacrifice of the individual for the sake of the system or another individual. If any of these family rules sound familiar, you may be in a toxic family system.

I’ve identified I have a Toxic Family, Now What?

Step #1: Find Self-Healing

Healing an entire family system can be a tall order, especially if you have unhealed wounds that are still easily activated. Understanding your own family role, how your family experiences have affected you, your personal expectations, your unmet childhood needs, and your attachment wounds are all things that can help you feel better, even if your family remains toxic. There are so many complexities to each individual, and each family system, that one blog post cannot possibly cover all of the things there are to discover about yourself. Self- healing can come in many forms, such as mental health therapy, regulating your nervous system through trauma-informed yoga or meditation, attending an Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families meeting, or reading books such as the ones listed below.

Complex PTSD by Pete Walker
Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself by Joe Dispenza
Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller
The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown

No matter what route you take to find self-healing, this step is essential to healing from a toxic family system.

Step #2 Set Boundaries and Make Requests

Boundaries are not a new concept for most people, but it can be hard to identify what boundaries are appropriate to set. The MOST important thing to remember when setting a boundary is that they are designed to PROTECT YOU, not to change the other person. It is not within your power to change people, but you can adjust your behavior to keep yourself safe from their unhealthy patterns.

If the other person’s behavior, or the family rules, are causing you distress or encourage unhealthy family functioning, then start by making a request. By making a request, you are allowing the person to know how you feel and giving them a choice with how they want to respond. This might look like, “Can you please not criticize me, it makes me feel bad.” It can also look like, “Can our family start talking about emotions more, I think it would be healthy for us.” People can certainly say no, or choose to not follow the request, but maybe they will make an effort.

If people choose to continue a behavior that feels harmful to you or the system, then it is important to set a boundary. This might look like, “If you continue to criticize me, I will leave.” It can also look like, “If emotions aren’t allowed in this family, then I will be emotionally distant, and will find my deep connections with someone else.”

Sometimes, boundaries might look like, “I need to take a break from family functions for a while.” If the family is extremely toxic, it might look like removing yourself from the family altogether. Remember, boundaries are FOR YOU, so they don’t always need to be said out loud.

The biggest question I get when helping people heal from unhealthy family systems is, “So, there is no way I can have a relationship with my mom (or sister or dad)?” If you get to a place where you will continue to be harmed by being in a family system, taking space from the system might be the best answer. It is very difficult to heal in the system that created the problem. However, this decision does not have to be permanent. As you work through grief and self-healing, you may find that you are able to return to the system at a later time with strong enough boundaries and sense of self to feel safe, or you may decide that it is healthier to remain removed.

Step #3: Become a Disruptor

The good thing about systems is that the homeostasis can change if there is a strong enough disruptor. Oftentimes, in family therapy, the identified problem child will be the initial focus of the therapy, but once the therapist helps to disrupt the system, the family can find a new healthier homeostasis. Even without family therapy, an individual member of the family can become the disruptor.

This is not as scary as it sounds! IF IT IS SAFE ENOUGH (do not attempt if there will be harsh consequences), you can disrupt your family system. One step is by simply becoming healthier and staying in the system, which might encourage the rest of the family to change to adapt or by following your example. Another way to disrupt the system is by increasing communication and making more requests, as mentioned in the previous section. You might choose to work on changing your relationship with one family member at a time, instead of the system as a whole. Anything that disrupts the system and encourages others to move toward a healthier way of operating can help move the family toward a new homeostasis. Remember, disruption is usually met with some sort of resistance, and this is normal, but it doesn’t mean that it’s not working.

Finding self-healing, setting boundaries and making requests, and becoming a disruptor are three steps to Healing from a Toxic Family System.

5 Tips to Manage Holiday Stress

Tis’ the season for gathering, singing, shopping and…holiday stress! The holidays can be cheery, but for many it brings a sense of dread, as the expectations, memories, and to-do lists overwhelm their senses.

As a former holiday Grinch, I know first-hand how it feels to hate the holiday season and everything that comes with it! However, the holidays will keep coming, EVERY YEAR, so what can you do make them a little less miserable? This blog post is ALL ABOUT ways to manage holiday stress.

What creates holiday stress?

The first step to managing stress is understanding what causes it for YOU. Every person has different things that activate their system based on their history, their beliefs, and their expectations. Ask yourself, what’s the problem?

Family and the Holidays

As a therapist, the biggest problem I hear about in my office around the holidays is FAMILY. Even the healthiest family systems can experience conflict during the holidays. For people with unhealthy family systems, the holidays can be a nightmare.

Imagine, you’ve been working hard to shift out of old patterns, regulate your emotions, heal from childhood wounds. You walk up to your family’s holiday dinner, proud of how far you’ve come, then BAM, your mom (or sister or cousin) says a comment that brings you right back, and you find yourself acting like your teenage self all over again. Sound familiar? This experience is common, because, for many, you are back in the environment where these patterns were developed and your survival skills (while, maybe not the healthiest) are activated to keep you safe. These same survival skills, or younger parts of you, are likely gearing up as the holiday events draw near, causing tension and stress in your body.

Unrealistic Expectations

Another big problem that I hear about around the holidays is EXPECTATIONS. Expectations can take a perfectly good reality and make it not good enough. Some common expectations are:

This dinner needs to go perfectly
There can’t be any conflict
I need to find the best present
I’m supposed to go to Instagram-worthy holiday parties
I need to maintain my diet
I’m supposed to feel happy

The list goes on and on. Unrealistic expectations cause holiday stress because you are constantly trying to live up to something that is unattainable.

Holiday Grief

A big stressor around the holidays is GRIEF. For a lot of people, this holiday will be the first one without a loved one that they have recently lost. For others, the holidays are a constant reminder of the family or friend groups that they never had. Even grief that has been processed can be activated during the holidays as memories come to life. Grief is something that takes time, and you may want to avoid the unwanted emotions that come with it. Unfortunately, avoiding these emotions can cause them to build up in your body, increasing feelings of holiday stress and tension.

The Holiday Season

The holiday SEASON itself can cause holiday stress, because it’s just that, a whole season. Your entire world seems to change for two months out of the year. Friends get busier and unavailable. School schedules get interrupted with holiday breaks. Favorite restaurants and stores go from familiar and comfy to holiday themed. Some people thrive on change and find it exciting. Lots of people don’t. Changes and transitions can feel threatening and dysregulate the nervous system, and two months is a long time to wait for life to get back to normal.

How do I Manage Holiday Stress?

Boundaries

Boundaries are a great way to maintain personal power around the holidays. The MOST important thing to remember about boundaries is that they are for YOU, not for other people. Boundaries, when used correctly, are meant to protect you. Focus on what is in your control. You may not be able to prevent your dad from criticizing you, your friend from cancelling on you, or make your boyfriend act a certain way, but you can set a boundary if someone does something that activates you.

Common examples of boundaries look like:

If you act that way, it makes me not want to be around you, so I will leave.
When you criticize me, I feel bad, and I will stop talking to you to avoid being criticized.
I won’t be exchanging gifts this year.
I will go to the holiday party, but only for two hours.
I won’t be going to [insert event name here] this year.

Different boundaries make sense for different people. Find out what boundaries help you feel safe and help reduce your holiday stress.

Shift Expectations

Again, expectations can ruin a perfectly good reality. Identify what expectations you have and find ways to shift them. Maybe you expect your partner to get you a certain gift, setting yourself up for resentment when they get you something else. Maybe you expect yourself to be free from unwanted emotions, creating an added stress when you get mad at yourself for having feelings. Take a look at which expectations are contributing to your stress and create some flexibility around them. Some flexible statements might look like:

I’m allowed to feel, this is a stressful time.
It’s okay if things aren’t perfect, I’m doing the best I can.
My family will likely engage in their old patterns, I can prep myself for that.

Think about what flexible expectations work for you to reduce holiday stress.

Process Grief

Grief might be unavoidable but processing it can help relieve some tension. So, what does processing grief even look like? If you have someone in your life that feels safe, like a friend or a therapist, talking to someone is the most effective way to process grief. Exploring your emotions, talking through the loss, and feeling connected can help alleviate the painful or tense emotions.

If you are someone who prefers to process alone, journaling on the grief or meditating on the grief is a great alternative to talking to someone. Allow yourself space in this busy season to sit with the emotions, processing whatever grief feels trapped.

Self-Care

There may not be enough boundaries and expectation shifting to completely avoid holiday stress, so it is a good idea to fill your cup back up wherever you can. Managing the holidays can take a lot of energy, and you can’t keep running on fumes, so think about what kinds of things make you feel energized. Maybe you feel energized by having a night in, watching a familiar movie, and snuggling up on the couch. Maybe you feel energized by taking a quick trip or meeting up with good friends. Whether it’s increasing your bubbles baths, buying yourself a little something, meditating, or seeking solace in friends, do more of what feels good to counterbalance the things that feel draining.

Do Yoga

I might be a broken record with how often I tell people to do yoga, but it IS a great way to regulate your nervous system. Stress activates your sympathetic nervous system, and rhythmic movement and/or breathing exercises can get you back to a state of calm. So, whether it’s a YouTube yoga to reduce stress, Tai Chi, running, cycling, or mindfully walking, get moving in a rhythmic way to give your body a break from being activated.

Those are the 5 tips to help manage your holiday stress this season! Remember, the holidays will keep coming every year, so start practicing some of these tips to make them just as manageable as the rest of the year.