Most people that grow up in a toxic family don’t realize how unhealthy their family is until adulthood. With the term “toxic” getting thrown around a lot these days, how do you know if you are living in a toxic family system?
As a mental health therapist who specializes in complex trauma and adult attachment, recovering from toxic family systems is something that I help people with every day. This blog post is ALL ABOUT how to heal from a toxic family.
How Do I know if I have a Toxic Family?
The term toxic, while a recent buzzword, really just means something that is harmful and pervasive, or something that is poisonous. When thinking of family systems, this definition can encompass a range of personalities, behaviors, and patterns. Let’s start with some basic understanding of family systems.
Every Family has a Homeostasis
Remember the term homeostasis from science class? Homeostasis is the idea that every system goes toward a state of balance. In a family system, this homeostasis is referring to the normal way that the family operates to survive. This does not necessarily mean that the homeostasis is a healthy one, it just means that it is the way the family has developed to function over time, and when something disrupts this homeostasis, the entire system will push back to get toward the normal way of operating.
Homeostasis is to blame for the conflict that arises when one member of the family system tries to change their patterns, their role, or exit the system. For example, if the “problem child” of the family starts to get better, other members of the family may unintentionally seek for problems in that person or become dysregulated at the healing. This is not because they are bad people, rather they subconsciously don’t know how to operate outside of homeostasis.
Every Person in the Family has a Role
Have you ever considered what your role in your family system is? Have you ever noticed that this role plays out in jobs, intimate relationships, and friendships? Oftentimes, the role that you have engaged in within your family system will be unintentionally played out in other areas of your life.
Theoretically, family roles are adopted based on the needs of the family system at the time, starting with the parent figures and adjusting with each child or person brought into the system. For example, before you were born, your parents might have had unresolved conflict. When you came into the family system, your parents might have shifted focus to you and your achievements, providing relief from the family conflict. This could unintentionally create the role of the GOLDEN CHILD or HERO, where you felt the need to be a perfect high-achiever, not allowing you to have space for less pleasant emotional expression or failure.
Maybe when you were born, there was an older sibling who already took the role of the Golden Child, so feeling this tension, you acted out in attempts to get connection over the Golden Child. This acting out, while unwanted, allowed the family to pull away from their own issues and focus on you, the PROBLEM CHILD or SCAPEGOAT. These patterns continue to serve their purpose for the duration of your life.
Perhaps, when you were born, there was already so much tension in the home with your parents and siblings, that you just wanted to stay out of the way, not receiving praise or consequence, you become the LOST CHILD. For the rest of your life, you do your best to stay out of the way, never rocking the boat.
That is just one example of a way that family roles can get created.
Here are some other common family roles:
The Caretaker- Taking care of everyone in the family to avoid family tension
The Rescuer- Solves other people’s problems to reduce chaos
The Mascot- Uses humor to deflect from the family tension
The Switchboard Operator- Manages everyone in the family and their relationships with one another
The Truthteller- Tries to heal the chaos by calling out the hidden problems
It is important to know that no role is good or bad, but they can become unhealthy at different extremes. These roles can exist in even healthy family systems and do not inherently make a toxic family.
Every Family has Rules
Every family operates within a set of rules. These rules can be spoken, such as “No yelling in the house,” or unspoken, such as “We don’t tolerate emotions.” These rules generally help the family maintain homeostasis, and it is important to identify what rules you may be subconsciously operating by. Some examples of family rules are:
The parents are always right, and not to be challenged.
Under no circumstances upset your mother.
Treat each other with kindness.
Boys don’t cry.
If conflict arises, just pretend that it didn’t.
Always protect your family.
We don’t talk about family stuff to outsiders.
Similar to family roles, family rules are not always harmful or toxic. What family rules does your family operate by?
When is it Considered a Toxic Family?
There is no clear-cut answer to this question, because toxicity can exist on a spectrum and in many forms. However, consider using these family systems concepts to identify how healthy your family is operating.
HOMEOSTASIS in a TOXIC FAMILY
What is the homeostasis serving in your family? Is the balance created by avoiding healthy conversation or conflict? Is the balance created by the entire family dancing around one member’s unhealthy behaviors? Is it more comfortable to be yelling then to talk about personal change?
Try and understand what the norm is for your family and why that became the norm. If homeostasis serves to keep things the same, but is harmful to the individual members, you may be in a toxic family system.
FAMILY ROLES in a TOXIC FAMILY
Roles serve a purpose and are not always bad. Even the identified “Problem Child” may not be an unhealthy role if the family is actually responding to problems that exist (such as a medical diagnosis), and the role can shift once that person begins to heal. The caretaker can be a helpful family member if they are not enabling unhealthy behaviors or encouraging unhealthy dependence.
Identify the purpose of your role and your family member’s roles. If these roles serve to enable problems, avoid emotions or healthy communication, or are harmful to one or all of the different family members, you may be in a toxic family system.
FAMILY RULES in a TOXIC FAMILY
There are some family rules that are more obviously toxic, such as rules that allow active physical or verbal abuse, rules that enable unhealthy patterns of an individual, or rules that do not allow safe expression of emotions. There are some rules that may not be as obvious, such as rules that discourage personal growth or encourage sacrifice of the individual for the sake of the system or another individual. If any of these family rules sound familiar, you may be in a toxic family system.
I’ve identified I have a Toxic Family, Now What?
Step #1: Find Self-Healing
Healing an entire family system can be a tall order, especially if you have unhealed wounds that are still easily activated. Understanding your own family role, how your family experiences have affected you, your personal expectations, your unmet childhood needs, and your attachment wounds are all things that can help you feel better, even if your family remains toxic. There are so many complexities to each individual, and each family system, that one blog post cannot possibly cover all of the things there are to discover about yourself. Self- healing can come in many forms, such as mental health therapy, regulating your nervous system through trauma-informed yoga or meditation, attending an Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families meeting, or reading books such as the ones listed below.
Complex PTSD by Pete Walker
Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself by Joe Dispenza
Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller
The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown
No matter what route you take to find self-healing, this step is essential to healing from a toxic family system.
Step #2 Set Boundaries and Make Requests
Boundaries are not a new concept for most people, but it can be hard to identify what boundaries are appropriate to set. The MOST important thing to remember when setting a boundary is that they are designed to PROTECT YOU, not to change the other person. It is not within your power to change people, but you can adjust your behavior to keep yourself safe from their unhealthy patterns.
If the other person’s behavior, or the family rules, are causing you distress or encourage unhealthy family functioning, then start by making a request. By making a request, you are allowing the person to know how you feel and giving them a choice with how they want to respond. This might look like, “Can you please not criticize me, it makes me feel bad.” It can also look like, “Can our family start talking about emotions more, I think it would be healthy for us.” People can certainly say no, or choose to not follow the request, but maybe they will make an effort.
If people choose to continue a behavior that feels harmful to you or the system, then it is important to set a boundary. This might look like, “If you continue to criticize me, I will leave.” It can also look like, “If emotions aren’t allowed in this family, then I will be emotionally distant, and will find my deep connections with someone else.”
Sometimes, boundaries might look like, “I need to take a break from family functions for a while.” If the family is extremely toxic, it might look like removing yourself from the family altogether. Remember, boundaries are FOR YOU, so they don’t always need to be said out loud.
The biggest question I get when helping people heal from unhealthy family systems is, “So, there is no way I can have a relationship with my mom (or sister or dad)?” If you get to a place where you will continue to be harmed by being in a family system, taking space from the system might be the best answer. It is very difficult to heal in the system that created the problem. However, this decision does not have to be permanent. As you work through grief and self-healing, you may find that you are able to return to the system at a later time with strong enough boundaries and sense of self to feel safe, or you may decide that it is healthier to remain removed.
Step #3: Become a Disruptor
The good thing about systems is that the homeostasis can change if there is a strong enough disruptor. Oftentimes, in family therapy, the identified problem child will be the initial focus of the therapy, but once the therapist helps to disrupt the system, the family can find a new healthier homeostasis. Even without family therapy, an individual member of the family can become the disruptor.
This is not as scary as it sounds! IF IT IS SAFE ENOUGH (do not attempt if there will be harsh consequences), you can disrupt your family system. One step is by simply becoming healthier and staying in the system, which might encourage the rest of the family to change to adapt or by following your example. Another way to disrupt the system is by increasing communication and making more requests, as mentioned in the previous section. You might choose to work on changing your relationship with one family member at a time, instead of the system as a whole. Anything that disrupts the system and encourages others to move toward a healthier way of operating can help move the family toward a new homeostasis. Remember, disruption is usually met with some sort of resistance, and this is normal, but it doesn’t mean that it’s not working.
Finding self-healing, setting boundaries and making requests, and becoming a disruptor are three steps to Healing from a Toxic Family System.
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