“You should have tried harder! You can’t do anything right!” Sound familiar? Having a harsh inner critic is painful and frustrating, and you probably just want it to go away, but where does the inner critic come from?
As a mental health therapist, exploring parts is a major part of recovery. I LOVE helping people understand and work with their inner critic to help them have a better peace of mind. This post is ALL ABOUT answering the question, “Where does the inner critic come from?”
The Different Parts of You
Let’s start by understanding parts. Most people have multiple parts of themselves. No, not like multiple personalities, BUT it can certainly feel that way.
Since the early days of psychology, mental health professionals have noticed that people are driven by conflicting internal interests. Freud had the Id, Ego, and Superego. Jung talked about the multiples archetypes. Most recently, Richard Schwartz developed Internal Family Systems, exploring the multiple parts and their purpose.
It is believed that all parts have a purpose in the body and were created for a reason. The more you understand the different parts of you, the more likely you are to manage them in a healthy way.
The Inner Critic
So, where does the inner critic come in? The inner critic, like all parts, was developed with a purpose and has a reason for being there.
Whenever I ask people in session what the purpose of their inner critic is, they normally respond with something like, “To make my life miserable!” The inner critic can say things that makes you feel like it’s bullying, being mean, or out to get you.
However, after some exploration, people are usually able to recognize that the inner critic is an overprotective part. The inner critic is protecting you from criticism and rejection from others, by making sure it criticizes you first. It’s using negative motivation to get you to aim more toward perfection and prevent you from messing up.
Step 1- Get to Know your Inner Critic
Recognizing the purpose of the inner critic doesn’t mean you need to allow it to continue functioning in the same way. Before you can ask your inner critic to change, you need to understand it a little better.
Start by trying to feel where the inner critic lives in your body. This is an abstract concept, but parts are usually tied to sensations in the body. Try closing your eyes and sensing what the inner critic feels like. Once you do that imagine it were a physical being. What does it look like? What color is it? What texture is it? How big is it?
Once you have an idea, you are able to ask you inner critic questions. Most people ask, “What do you want?” Some other questions you may want to ask are:
“Why do you feel the need to protect me?”
“Where did you come from?”
“What do you need to feel safe?”
Oftentimes, people are able to recognize memories or themes from their lives that contributed to their inner critic becoming so strong, like a critical parent or an abusive partner. It may be helpful to do deeper work around any trauma (click here to find a therapist to help), but in the meantime, begin understanding that this part, at some point, likely protected you.
Step 2- Work WITH your Inner Critic
With any part, it’s important to work with them, instead of against them. This means that instead of having frustration and hatred toward the inner critic, treat it like someone you care for. If the inner critic came into your life when you were a child, then respond to it like you would a scared or hurt child. Similarly, if it came into your life later, treat it like a friend who has your best interest at heart, but is just doing it wrong.
Think about how you respond whenever you hear your inner critic’s voice. Do you immediately challenge it with statements like, “Shut up! I’m doing fine,” or do you agree with it and let that guide your emotions?
Instead, have a conversation with your critic. Speak to its needs before offering a challenge. For example, “I know you’re trying to keep me safe, but I can handle rejection that comes. I’m actually proud of how well I’m doing!”
It may feel cheesy, but the more you work to soothe the inner critic, the more room you have to believe the positive self-statements.
Step 3- Create Corrective Experiences
The inner critic was developed from perceived or real rejection or messages that you weren’t good enough. If your world was developed around these negative experiences, then the only way to change your perspective long-term is to create opposite experiences.
It’s likely that you are already having experiences that paint you in a positive light, you just aren’t acknowledging them, because your inner critic is only looking for proof that you’re doing poorly. At the end of every day, begin asking yourself, “What did I do well today?” This will help you consciously be aware of the positive things you do, as well as create the habit of doing more positive things.
If you want to create more corrective experiences, then think about times where you have felt proud of yourself and try to create more experiences that are similar.
These are three steps to begin working with and embracing your inner critic. I hope this was helpful in answering the question, “Where does the inner critic come from?”
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